Sarah Palin and her family have pulled out of Dodge and have taken their One Nation bus tour back to the frozen north.  She told the press today, “Progress against progressives has been made.”  She is still leaving behind areas along the coasts that remain “safe harbors for liberal thought.”

“This isn’t over by a long shot,” said Palin, who then made several other gun references not meant to be taken literally. 

Palin’s bus tour exit strategy involved taking route 90 West all the way to 5 North and then on through enemy socialist territory before arriving back in real America.  Palin denies living north of the Land of Misfit Toys and refused to answer any more of the Discord’s questions.

Palin claims to have ended the bus tour after being selected for jury duty.  Critics argue this proves she is not smart enough to get out of jury duty.  When questioned about the recent poll showing how 7 out of 10 Americans feel Palin’s bus tour is heading in the wrong direction, Palin spewed more of those gun references.

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, “We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado.”

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

“Last time the twisters struck, I was in London,” said Obama.  “I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s.”

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, “This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals.”

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

“I don’t follow that one,” said Obama, but he later admitted that “no options are off the table.”  

Fort Smith, OK—Dave “Pa” Jenkins is in a deep mound of shit today after he was discovered selling tornado shelters that, under closer scrutiny, turned out to be porta-potties.   Jenkins has been selling these single units as steel reinforced storm shelters throughout tornado alley over the last several months.

“This isn’t funny,” said Joseph Quimby, mayor of an undisclosed Midwestern town. “He’s preying off twister-weary folk.  And I want my money back!”

An individual who actually rode out a storm in one of these “shelters” was unavailable for comment, but he is being treated by a local community mental health center for Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Despite the growing controversy, Jenkins is standing by his product, “Look, you’re safe from debris in there; you can’t argue with that.  Well, safe-ish.”

Jenkins is also wanted for the unlawful sale of some similarly designed, Dr. Who-style time machines.

“I call them the FARTIS,” said Jenkins. “They’re much bigger on the inside, and they double as a storm shelter.”

Fort Wayne, IN—Sarah Palin is in custody tonight after allegedly leaving her One Nation tour bus running outside of an Indiana bar, The Brass Rail, yesterday afternoon.  Her three youngest children and several pets were left in the parked bus in near 90° heat for a two hour period.  Palin repudiates claims the time coincided with the bar’s happy hour.

“Nonsense, the first few rounds were full price,” said Palin.  “There was nothing happy about it.”

The Palin’s were seen entering the Rail at 4:00 PM and police arrived just before 6:00 PM after several bar regulars reported, “There’s a big F’n bus blocking me from my F’n beer.”

Police apprehended Sarah and Todd after they returned to the bus to do shots with all of the establishment’s pool and dart league members.

“American shots,” said Palin, “distilled in American breweries!”

Distillery Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals.  As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

“I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  “We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get?  Bupkis, that’s what.”

“I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!” complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena.   “That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh.”

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime.  This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub. 

“It was the finals,” said Bettman, “And it was a Saturday night game.  A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo.  He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!”