Ann Arbor, MI—As part of a sleep over, a group of teenage girls climbed into the Miller’s attic on June 16^th and held an over four hour Ouija session with one of the residence’s ghosts. The paranormal entity later described the event as “fukcing ecxcruciatting” for a tortured soul who sufferers from dyslexia.

Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, believes the ghost in question has resided in the attic where the game took place since his untimely death, nearly 80 years ago. The apparition stated he would rather be left alone than be assailed by a bunch of teenagers who, after hundreds of questions, still couldn’t figure out that yes/no questions worked best.

The young ladies, who wished to remain anonymous, were perplexed by the ghost’s indecipherable responses such as, “I have servere dylslexia” and “I deid in this vrey place” and finally, “Why don’t you bithces play somehting eles?!”

The young lady who hosted the party told McGrath she believes the ghost wasn’t murdered, but added, “He sure can murdre the English language. Get it…murdre?”

After the comment the ghost is planning to “Huant that littel shit for ettenrity!”

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, “Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking.”

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply “to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads.”

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to “Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy” has also gained little support from California residents.

“Look,” said Lohan, “I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches.”

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to “rub the lotion on its skin” until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, “If this shit doesn’t recover, I’m gonna tear his eyeballs out and I’m gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!” He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, “Regulate this, Obama.”

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, “No way,” but later admitted to reporters, “But it is a good coffee table book for sure.”

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, “Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news.” He went on to call this a “half mast event” not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, “A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis.”

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, “If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again.”

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, “If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt.”

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to “I might have lost the election, but not my—.”

“Hardly,” said Paul.

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, “For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture.”

When asked why, Bush said, “Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance…and I remember not paying for anything.”

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, “I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh.”

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, “I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip.”

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, “Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days.”