Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don’t call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the “zombie head shot” will become even more automatic for future generations.

“You’ve heard of the Three Fs, right?” said VVG’s CEO Joy Gropstein. “Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F.”

VVG is diligently trying to work the words “zombie head shot” into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, “We’re thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That’s all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn’t agree more, “Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don’t know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!”

Inauguration Day’s Star-Spangled Bummer

Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, “And don’t call me Shirley!” When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

“At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third,” said Neilson. “You can’t plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again.”

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, “I’ll let you know.”

Aguilera then took the mic and said, “I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced.”

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, “The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff.”

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, “Yo Obama, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!”

Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. “A two hundred and twenty something year old fish,” added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the “drone death list.”

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, “I’m making a list and checking it twice…I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em.”

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his….well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was “slightly impulsive,” and then later blamed his actions on being “caught up in the moment.”

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some “pull my trigger-finger” variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, “He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here.” Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins…er, which is an affront to donuts…of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

NASA Finally Tracking Quetzalcoatl’s Progress!

"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner…and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or “the other three Fs” as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, “With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker.”

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

“It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa,” said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. “Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah.”

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, “I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something.”

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

“That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends,” said Bone. “So no harm done.”

Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

“I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss,” said Putin. “I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit.”

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. “I hunted them down like dogs, literally,” said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. “I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them,” said Putin. “Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all.”

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of “Old People Tipping” occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the “Full Palin” as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, “I think Fisties would be best.”

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, “How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?”

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, “The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis.”

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, “Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing.”

Boehner replied, “I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo,” which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, “Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House…except cookie catcher. I love that shit!”

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could “get a hole in one”. After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, “The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved.”

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.