dailyDiscor

Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer

‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.

‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”

‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.

‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW

Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. When questioned about the choice of breed, Obama simply stated that since his daughter was allergic to dogs it would have to be something hypoallergenic.

Obama’s statement triggered a backlash of criticism from the American College of Allergy.

“There is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog,” stated Dr. Schnoz Sneezinweezin, an ACA spokesman. “The only such creature would be a dog that has no hair, saliva or urine. If you want a hypoallergenic dog you have to go to the grocery store.” This was an obvious reference to one of America’s favorite summertime delicacies, the hot dog.

This revelation triggered a great deal of interest as to where the Obama family would procure their not-so-potent pet. Nathan’s Famous, one of America’s leading purveyors of hot dogs, quickly jumped-in to volunteer one of their fine franks.

“It’s not often that a company such as ours has the opportunity to step in and provide what will certainly become a close member of the First Family,” stated Eric Gatoff, CEO of Nathan’s Famous.

This announcement prompted swift and outrageous reaction from PETW, People for the Ethical Treatment of Weiners.

“Approximately nine out of ten pets sold in American pet stores are bred in mills. Such institutions operate in deplorable conditions and we just hope that the American President will provide a good example to our country’s citizenry”, announced Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETW. “You should see the conditions under which these pets are ‘made'”.

The Daily Discord was able to procure this picture of the conditions under which Nathan’s hot dogs are prepared.

A look at the deplorable conditions in a Nathan’s hot dog mill. Note the castaway "unfit" dog in the trough.

Applegate Farms, a company founded on the premise of providing only the most wholesome and natural products was quick to usurp Nathan’s Famous’ position.

Seen here, the care free life of Applegate Farms’
free range organic hot dogs.
Note also the inclusion of the rare albino
hot dog in the hot dog games.

“Taste, truth and trust are our guiding principles. We promise that there is no mystery in our meat. All of our products are Certified Humane and qualify for USDA Organic certification as well,” claims Stephen McDonnell, founder of Applegate Farms.

The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath did, in fact, tour one of Applegate’s facilities, as part of a larger investigation, and was able to document and verify old McDonnell’s claims. Here a dog, there a dog, everywhere a hot dog, all of them appearing to be happy and healthy.

Cokie’s research into the hot dog industry also uncovered a hereto unseen dark side. This underworld of sausage seediness went way beyond the generally available, mass produced hot dog. These pigs-without-a-blanket were training for combat. The Daily Discord has allegedly established alleged links between alleged gansta sta Snoop Doggy Dogg and an alleged massive underground hot dog fighting syndicate.

Seen here: pain sensitivy reduction and flavor induction treatment
Well, you decide what’s going on here

Obama’s choice in this case, with major implications on such a socially explosive issue, could have major consequences for his re-election bid in 2012. One choice would decisively separate Obama from Sarah “Gun ’em and Grind ’em” Palin, who will almost certainly be gunning to unseat Obama.

“Don’t be a pussy Obama,” stated Palin, “go for the grill.” Palin went on to tell reporters that Mr. Obama’s liberal position is an “ObamaNathan”.

The other choice, on the other hand, could put Mr. Obama on even ground with Palin on such tough “shootin’ at some food” issues. This is one reporter that can’t wait to see how this all falls out (of the helicopter).

Republicans, Democrats to Swap Symbology

Pierce Winslow

Ever since the 1870’s cartoons of Thomas Nast the donkey has graphically represented the Democratic party while the elephant has symbolized the Republicans. In a bold move, the RNC and DNC recently announced that they will be switching their iconic beastiality. The annoncement was made at a recent joint news conference.

Vermont Governor Howard Dean, chairman of the DNC stated “In recent years the Democrats have been all about big government and the Republicans have been asses. It just seemed appropriate that we reassign the ass to the Republicans and the elephant to symbolize the Democrats.”

The very elephantic Dennis Hastert

Mike Duncan, chairman of the RNC added “What really clinched it was the addition of Joe “Big Speech” Biden to the Democratic ticket, and of course, the selection of Sarah “Scripted Speech” Palin as John McCain’s running mate. If that wasn’t a classically assinine move by a long-time Republican ass I don’t know what was. It just works on so many levels.”

Not everyone is as enthused about the switch as Duncan and Dean (D&D).

“I don’t see the need for the change. I rather relate to the elephant.” remarked the very elephantic former Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “And I’ll have the Colossal Thickburger, large fries and chocolate shake. What do you mean ‘there’s no lunch at this interview’?”

From the other side, Democratic Senator John Kerry was quoted as saying “I actually did vote for it, before I voted against it”. While it’s not certain what he meant by that, we at the Discord believe that Senator Kerry thought that the ass was an appropriate symbol for himself.

No Biden Bounce, Democrats Opt for Conjoined Ticket

O’Hillary meets the press and democratic elite for the first time

In an attempt to resolve the Obama/Clinton primary controversies once and for all the Democratic National Committee (DNC) called upon the Liberal Genetic Engineering Community (LGEC) to solve their problem. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama were genetically recombined into a single entity. This new being, named "O’Hillary," will almost certainly be the overwhelming favorite amongst both Obama and Clinton supporters.

"We were looking for a solution that would satisfy both campaigns," stated Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC. “Despite the apparent capitulation of Hillary Clinton and her campaign we still sensed that a significant portion of the Clinton camp was intent on supporting the Republican candidate out of spite and a feeling of rejection, especially with the selection of Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate. That was just not acceptable. With this solution we feel that we can accomodate everyone involved. In fact, we anticipate the immediate defection of a significant portion of Sen. McCain’s hard-core drunken-Irish support due to affinity for O’Hillary’s name alone. Add to that the uneducated working white, black, female, transgender, evil scientist, and the conjoined twin demographics and we are all but assured a win in the general election."

O’Hillary was first introduced to the public during a recent press conference to the blare of U2’s When Two Hearts Beat as One. This was not aired due to the violent content and adult language. While the newly unified candidate still spars amongst his/herself, it is hoped that the impossibility of separation will eventually force its individual aspects to concede to acting as a single, symbiotic entity. Until then, the Secret Service is doing what it can to keep the two safe, and doctors are reasonably sure they can surgically reconstruct Obama’s left ear.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

Unwilling to sacrifice malcontent supporters of either Obama or Clinton, the DNC appealed to genetic research lobbyists forever courting Democratic Party legislators. "We were just happy to be of service," commented Dr. Dicensplicem. "And the home of Sen. [Diane] Feinstein was the natural location to perform the procedure. Her home is fully equipped with the latest in genetic engineering equipment for use in her life-prolongation project."

On a related note, the DNC wants to dispel any rumors of combining senatorial hopeful Al Franken and Sen. Diane Feinstein, primarily since no appropriate conjoined name could be agreed upon. However, the Discord was able to obtain this photo.

Bore, the presumptive O’Hillary running mate

Having finally found the ultimate lobbying tool in the production of high-appeal, cross-demographic candidates through the recombination of DNA, it is thought that the genetic research community will receive unprecedented support and funding from the federal government once O’Hillary takes the White House.

This trial, now found to be successful, will almost certainly lead to the production of the ultimate running mate for O’Hillary, Bore.

We are Bore … resistance is fubar.