dailyDiscor

Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.

Separation of State and Church

Pierce Winslow

I am floored at how this country touts its “freedom of religion” and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!

Don Your Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses Now

People seem to think that this country should favor Christians simply because it was founded by Christians. I’m sick of hearing “well, this country was founded by Christians so get out if you don’t like it.” Let us start here. Um, that is a LOAD OF SHIT! In fact there are many quotes from Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, John Adams, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison and others that indicate that they were not only not Christians, but they thought that organized religion in general was a bad idea (except, of course, for Voodoo). The founding fathers chose to loosely follow Christian doctrine when implementing American law because they believed that the Christian code of conduct reflected a certain degree of morality, and that that is necessary to prevent moral chaos. There is nothing promoting God, the Virgin Mother (yeah, right), or Jesus Christ any more than Allah, Buddha, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Voodoo Vikings. With that argument trashed, the founding fathers wrote down their intentions. They wrote what they meant and meant what they wrote. In fact, just to prevent us from making the stupid assumptions and judiciary decisions we are making these days they wrote “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people“. In other words, just because we didn’t specifically grant it doesn’t mean it isn’t granted. In fact, it seems to me that the overall mood here was to grant what is not specifically denied.

Keep in mind, also, that at the time of the writing of the Constitution most of the colonists had bailed Europe, endured months of nausea, vomiting, starvation, disease, sobriety and sometimes death crammed into tiny little vessels just to get away from persecution of one form or another, generally religious. It is ridiculous to believe that those that wrote “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” would intend to quash those peoples’ rights once they got here because they checked the wrong box under the heading of “Religion”.

With those things said, let us examine some of the major decisions being tossed around these days.

Gay Marriage

The last time I looked marriage was a religious construct. It is generally presided over by a holy man of some sort, right? It generally takes place in a church right? “What God has created here let no man put asunder”? That all says religion to me. So, since we supposedly have a separation of church and state what the hell is our government doing legislating marriage at all? There are those that say gay marriage corrupts the sanctity of marriage. Marriage? Sanctity? What sanctity? 50% of marriages fail. The same number have one spouse or the other cheating. Not to mention the fact that the Church didn’t even sanctify marriage until they discovered that they couldn’t stop it. Marriage was created by St. Paul to essentially pre-forgive the losers that could not resist the temptations of the flesh. The Christian elite, members of the Cult of Virginity, were the true Christians. Eventually they figured out that no one could, or would resist sex so the church just gave in and said “OK, you can screw, but just with her” (notice how no one has even heard of the Cult of Virginity any more?). We see how well that is working out. Churches can’t even agree on whether their holy people can marry or whether anyone can get unmarried. How can the government step in and make any decisions regarding marriage and still remain impartial? If homosexuals want to clamp on a ball and chain (as opposed to clamping a chain on a ball, ouch) who the hell cares? If you think it’s gross don’t go to the wedding. If you think it’s so wrong stop going to truck stop bathrooms and reaching your foot into the next stall.

Abortion

The religious zealot is willing to blow up a clinic and kill 20 people to prevent the abortion of a single fetus. Instead of getting a job and living their life, they take donations to park their fat asses outside of clinics waving signs, chanting slogans and blocking traffic so they can harass, intimidate and pour guilt upon already scared and desperate people. How Christian of them. Whatever happened to “walk a mile in someone’s shoes” and all of that holier than thou shit? Never mind that some of these mothers will likely die in childbirth taking their unborn children with them (assuming they get that far). Never mind that some of the mothers and/or fathers are not capable of raising a child. Never mind that some of these fetuses have major genetic or other birth defects that would make birth essentially a life sentence of cruel and unusual punishment (which used to be unconstitutional until W came along). I personally am not in favor of abortion, in my own life. I also acknowledge that I do not have the right to make that decision for other people. Sure, most Christian churches say that this is a sin at least or an abomination at worst (what’s the difference really? You’re still going on to burn in eternal hell-fire), but other religions have no position on the topic (Church of the Overhead Projector?) and thereby imposing whichever Christian regulations on me is a violation of my rights. Sit down and shut up.

Embryonic Stem Cell Research

Again, who the hell elected the Religious Right to determine what I feel is legitimate research? This is research that has great promise to cure a multitude of diseases. What about the Embryo? Well, what about the millions suffering from what will almost certainly be curable diseases? These religious freaks have no problem slaughtering a pig for their Easter dinner, or a turkey for their Thanksgiving dinner, or a mutilating a decent grape to make their sacramental wine (have you tasted that shit? Ecch. Jesus did not turn water into Mogan David now did he?) We don’t even have to kill the fetus. In fact, it’s much more productive to keep it around. Here we go, remove the would-be aborted fetuses and keep them in a Petri dish harvesting the occasional stem cell for research. That way no one dies, we won’t be faced with cloning humans to satisfy research needs, and we may be able to cure some diseases to further complicate the world population problem. That has no religious implications, or does it…

Save the Children

Remember, save the children even if there are way too many people living in a region to support them. Send them food and send them schools, but don’t teach them to use birth control or supply condoms so they will get HIV or get pregnant over and over, the way God intended. Then, because there are no abortions allowed, force them to have the children that they cannot support (and the very land upon which they live cannot support) and to whom they will likely pass on HIV. This will only serve to perpetuate, nay, expand the problem. But don’t worry, global warming will provide ample water and vegetation in a few short decades.

*whew* Breathe Pierce, breathe. Anyway, that’s their country and this is ours. Look what a religious government has done for the Kurds, Sunnis, Shiites, and, of course, the Taliban? Unless you want that shit right here at home keep those bible (or Koran, or Torah, or Book of the Dead) beating, fundamentalist bastards out of my government, dammit.

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer

‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.

‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”

‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.

‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW

Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. When questioned about the choice of breed, Obama simply stated that since his daughter was allergic to dogs it would have to be something hypoallergenic.

Obama’s statement triggered a backlash of criticism from the American College of Allergy.

“There is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog,” stated Dr. Schnoz Sneezinweezin, an ACA spokesman. “The only such creature would be a dog that has no hair, saliva or urine. If you want a hypoallergenic dog you have to go to the grocery store.” This was an obvious reference to one of America’s favorite summertime delicacies, the hot dog.

This revelation triggered a great deal of interest as to where the Obama family would procure their not-so-potent pet. Nathan’s Famous, one of America’s leading purveyors of hot dogs, quickly jumped-in to volunteer one of their fine franks.

“It’s not often that a company such as ours has the opportunity to step in and provide what will certainly become a close member of the First Family,” stated Eric Gatoff, CEO of Nathan’s Famous.

This announcement prompted swift and outrageous reaction from PETW, People for the Ethical Treatment of Weiners.

“Approximately nine out of ten pets sold in American pet stores are bred in mills. Such institutions operate in deplorable conditions and we just hope that the American President will provide a good example to our country’s citizenry”, announced Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETW. “You should see the conditions under which these pets are ‘made'”.

The Daily Discord was able to procure this picture of the conditions under which Nathan’s hot dogs are prepared.

A look at the deplorable conditions in a Nathan’s hot dog mill. Note the castaway "unfit" dog in the trough.

Applegate Farms, a company founded on the premise of providing only the most wholesome and natural products was quick to usurp Nathan’s Famous’ position.

Seen here, the care free life of Applegate Farms’
free range organic hot dogs.
Note also the inclusion of the rare albino
hot dog in the hot dog games.

“Taste, truth and trust are our guiding principles. We promise that there is no mystery in our meat. All of our products are Certified Humane and qualify for USDA Organic certification as well,” claims Stephen McDonnell, founder of Applegate Farms.

The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath did, in fact, tour one of Applegate’s facilities, as part of a larger investigation, and was able to document and verify old McDonnell’s claims. Here a dog, there a dog, everywhere a hot dog, all of them appearing to be happy and healthy.

Cokie’s research into the hot dog industry also uncovered a hereto unseen dark side. This underworld of sausage seediness went way beyond the generally available, mass produced hot dog. These pigs-without-a-blanket were training for combat. The Daily Discord has allegedly established alleged links between alleged gansta sta Snoop Doggy Dogg and an alleged massive underground hot dog fighting syndicate.

Seen here: pain sensitivy reduction and flavor induction treatment
Well, you decide what’s going on here

Obama’s choice in this case, with major implications on such a socially explosive issue, could have major consequences for his re-election bid in 2012. One choice would decisively separate Obama from Sarah “Gun ’em and Grind ’em” Palin, who will almost certainly be gunning to unseat Obama.

“Don’t be a pussy Obama,” stated Palin, “go for the grill.” Palin went on to tell reporters that Mr. Obama’s liberal position is an “ObamaNathan”.

The other choice, on the other hand, could put Mr. Obama on even ground with Palin on such tough “shootin’ at some food” issues. This is one reporter that can’t wait to see how this all falls out (of the helicopter).

Republicans, Democrats to Swap Symbology

Pierce Winslow

Ever since the 1870’s cartoons of Thomas Nast the donkey has graphically represented the Democratic party while the elephant has symbolized the Republicans. In a bold move, the RNC and DNC recently announced that they will be switching their iconic beastiality. The annoncement was made at a recent joint news conference.

Vermont Governor Howard Dean, chairman of the DNC stated “In recent years the Democrats have been all about big government and the Republicans have been asses. It just seemed appropriate that we reassign the ass to the Republicans and the elephant to symbolize the Democrats.”

The very elephantic Dennis Hastert

Mike Duncan, chairman of the RNC added “What really clinched it was the addition of Joe “Big Speech” Biden to the Democratic ticket, and of course, the selection of Sarah “Scripted Speech” Palin as John McCain’s running mate. If that wasn’t a classically assinine move by a long-time Republican ass I don’t know what was. It just works on so many levels.”

Not everyone is as enthused about the switch as Duncan and Dean (D&D).

“I don’t see the need for the change. I rather relate to the elephant.” remarked the very elephantic former Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “And I’ll have the Colossal Thickburger, large fries and chocolate shake. What do you mean ‘there’s no lunch at this interview’?”

From the other side, Democratic Senator John Kerry was quoted as saying “I actually did vote for it, before I voted against it”. While it’s not certain what he meant by that, we at the Discord believe that Senator Kerry thought that the ass was an appropriate symbol for himself.

No Biden Bounce, Democrats Opt for Conjoined Ticket

O’Hillary meets the press and democratic elite for the first time

In an attempt to resolve the Obama/Clinton primary controversies once and for all the Democratic National Committee (DNC) called upon the Liberal Genetic Engineering Community (LGEC) to solve their problem. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama were genetically recombined into a single entity. This new being, named "O’Hillary," will almost certainly be the overwhelming favorite amongst both Obama and Clinton supporters.

"We were looking for a solution that would satisfy both campaigns," stated Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC. “Despite the apparent capitulation of Hillary Clinton and her campaign we still sensed that a significant portion of the Clinton camp was intent on supporting the Republican candidate out of spite and a feeling of rejection, especially with the selection of Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate. That was just not acceptable. With this solution we feel that we can accomodate everyone involved. In fact, we anticipate the immediate defection of a significant portion of Sen. McCain’s hard-core drunken-Irish support due to affinity for O’Hillary’s name alone. Add to that the uneducated working white, black, female, transgender, evil scientist, and the conjoined twin demographics and we are all but assured a win in the general election."

O’Hillary was first introduced to the public during a recent press conference to the blare of U2’s When Two Hearts Beat as One. This was not aired due to the violent content and adult language. While the newly unified candidate still spars amongst his/herself, it is hoped that the impossibility of separation will eventually force its individual aspects to concede to acting as a single, symbiotic entity. Until then, the Secret Service is doing what it can to keep the two safe, and doctors are reasonably sure they can surgically reconstruct Obama’s left ear.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

Unwilling to sacrifice malcontent supporters of either Obama or Clinton, the DNC appealed to genetic research lobbyists forever courting Democratic Party legislators. "We were just happy to be of service," commented Dr. Dicensplicem. "And the home of Sen. [Diane] Feinstein was the natural location to perform the procedure. Her home is fully equipped with the latest in genetic engineering equipment for use in her life-prolongation project."

On a related note, the DNC wants to dispel any rumors of combining senatorial hopeful Al Franken and Sen. Diane Feinstein, primarily since no appropriate conjoined name could be agreed upon. However, the Discord was able to obtain this photo.

Bore, the presumptive O’Hillary running mate

Having finally found the ultimate lobbying tool in the production of high-appeal, cross-demographic candidates through the recombination of DNA, it is thought that the genetic research community will receive unprecedented support and funding from the federal government once O’Hillary takes the White House.

This trial, now found to be successful, will almost certainly lead to the production of the ultimate running mate for O’Hillary, Bore.

We are Bore … resistance is fubar.