Pokey McDooris

Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something.

DON’T CALL ME I’LL CALL YOU

Propaganda bombards us from every angle of the media, but there is one piece of propaganda overlooked by everyone. The cell phone has become instituted as THE medium for communication in the post-modern age.  I’m talking about how the cell phone is good and even necessary for human interaction.  Everybody has one.  They’re in the bars, on the buses, in the parks, and even in the hands of our children.  We’ve bought them hook, line, and ringer.  We’re merrily chit-chatting in our own little worlds while remaining oblivious to the real consequences.

Fact—there is a direct link between cell phone use and brain cancer.  Studies find that a person who uses a cell phone for ten years has a fifty percent increased risk of brain cancer.  Fact—cell phone use is addictive.  The only true piece of rhetoric that cell phonies state is “once you try one, you’ll never go back.”  That’s the same thing a junkie once told me about heroin, and Mick Zano about Thai Hookers, and Dave Atsals about hookers on heroin.

We conscientious communicators do encounter a dilemma.  Today, any other telephone is obsolete.  It’s like trying to get my eight-track music mix to work at an iPod party.  The old school phones now charge me long distance to call a cell phony standing across the street if his area code doesn’t match mine.  Oh, you’re 212, honey? Call me when you’re 516.  And just try to find a working pay phone these days.  My Morse Code, semaphore, and smoke signals are increasingly ignored.

“Breaker one nine, Zano.  Where’s the End of the Year Party this year, over?”

So I either submit to these brain-numbing technologies or else I’m out of loop.  Let me tell you what; you can take your loop and shove it up your iPod.

As one who has had the wisdom and forbearance to abstain from the cell phone tyranny, I can objectively report my findings—cell phones make people dumb…well, maybe it’s just that dumb people tend to use cell phones.  I noticed so many stupid people around. Double dumb, Dave Atsals carries two cell phones at all times.  He’s a regular Text Ritter. So I guess that’s one good thing cell phones offer; they bring stupidity out of the closet.  Oh yeah, they’re out of the closet all right, and now they’re talking loud on the bus about their chronic constipation and the latest episode of Survivor.

I’ll be fair. Cell phones do bring some benefits.  They improve social popularity (among brain dead people); they allow mediocre people to feel important without having to develop substantial qualities.  Cell phones enhance your financial opportunities by beating us slow Pokeys to the punch.  Oh, and let’s not forget that cell phones also provide easy distractions from potentially uncomfortable and introspective moments.  At any time of day, people of all ages now have the ability to shelter themselves from what’s occurring right in front of them.  Finally, humanity has the chance to create a completely calm and complacent society. The benefits will allow people to avoid the stressful realization that their Federal Government has ransacked the treasury and is in the process of creating a social tyranny of which our children and grandchildren will never recover.  Don’t worry, be chatty.

It’s time to make a stand.  Throw those cancer machines in the trash and talk to me face to face—if you’ve got the guts.  By the way, what gives you the right to ban me from smoking in public while you’re allowed to take your cell phone anywhere?  I’ll tell you what gives you the right—your lack of logic and your comfort with hypocrisy.  I demand that a study be done on the effects of second hand cell phone radiation.

As for me, I’ve had it with our age.  This technocratic society has reached a point of no return.  I’m done with TVs, cars, cell phones, iPods, internet bureaucracies, and this false Federal Government that promises to give us everything in exchange for our liberties. 

I write for the Discord, a funny website.  Ain’t never been there, they tell me it’s nice.

I’m slipping through the cracks of this preprogrammed dictatorship for good.  I’m heading for some new Verizons, people, so DON’T CALL ME, I’LL CALL YOU.

The Audacity of, “Nope”

Has anybody else noticed how Obama uses the same George W. Bush style tactics to pass his policies through Congress? 

“If you don’t let me take a trillion dollars from the tax payer’s children and grandchildren RIGHT NOW, then we’re all doomed.”

Isn’t this the same politics of fear?  Remember when George Bush gained the right to invade Iraq or when he passed the Patriot Act?

“Did Congress even read the act?” we asked. 

Well, why don’t we ask that of this 1000 page Stimulus Package?  Has anybody really read it….Bueller, Bueller, anyone?  How do I know Obama isn’t just paying back all of those scumbags who got him elected?  By the way, where the hell is this trillion dollars coming from, Madoff Enterprises, or maybe Stanford Inc?

Why should I believe that the Federal Reserve, the Congress, and the Obama Administration aren’t simply exploiting our country’s spiraling demise?  Stop everything and take a deep breath; let’s go through this package step-by-step with the American people.  Explain why this stimulus package will benefit our economy rather than harming it.

Thus far, I’ve given Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Just because his friend and Pastor shouted racist rants in public, doesn’t  necessarily make Obama a racist.  Just because he has friends who insist the world would be a better place without America doesn’t make Barak Obama anti-American.  Just because he kissed the ass of every sleazy politician in-and-around the Chicago area to gain power doesn’t mean he’s a sleazy politician.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop giving Barak Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s start calling a spade a spade (am I still allowed to say that?). 

Barak Obama is an aspiring tyrant in the tradition of Mussolini, Fidel Castro, and Hugo Chavez, who would do or say anything and who would sacrifice all of our liberties to benefit his own power.

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

It’s not the particular place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life…or else I could end up in Carl’s at last call (part dive bar, part Clockwork Orange) pinned to something vaguely feminine.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner shall be assessed by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to transform parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The setup should encourage a free flow throughout and amongst all social circles.  We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead naked conga lines.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment must play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. Provide quality goods and services, and expel anything that inhibits this ever-important soul transformation (except my friend Shag).

Spatial limitation can strangle the life out of festivities (that’s m’s job). Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has failed miserably. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.  On that note, drunk tanks should have breakfast specials.

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions and have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. Once, two people sat in stools on either side of me speaking into their cell phones. I think they were talking with each other. Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party.

Take the television for example. It’s not possible to mingle amongst different groups or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. I have two pieces of advice for all bars regarding televisions:

  1. Unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t have televisions.
  2. Don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life (sadly, this is accurate. I really haven’t made many good decisions).  Along with this choice, I have taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years, I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational, leading to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but there is always a cost. Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival. So now, no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given up Mr. Giggles).   No one is perfect.

The Articles Of Degeneration

The letter of the law shall never be permitted to strangle the Spirit of the Law (unless, of course, the spirit and the law agree upon a safe word first).

Article 1: All persons including patrons, barstaff, drunks, and derelicts have the un-ale-ienable right to life, festivity, and the pursuit of lap-dance chicks.

Article 2: The right to bare women.

Article 3: If the keg kicks before the beer is filled, the remaining brew is given to the patron for free. (The kicked pitcher dilemma has yet to be determined by the Fatty Liver Society (FLS).)

Article 4: All pint glasses must hold at least 16 fluid ounces.  Ten ounce pints?  Fuck you!

Article 5: All standard pints must be cheaper, per ounce, than standard mugs, and all pitchers must be cheaper than pints. (Does not apply to happy hour specials.)

Article 6: The bartender or barmaid may refuse alcohol to any patron for any reason…except on the basis of religion, race, gender, or affiliation to the Daily Discord (you know who you are, barkeep!).

Article 7: All jukeboxes must display the number of unselected songs not yet played, or else the staff must refund money paid for un-played songs (Notable exception: all ABBA and Phil Collins songs are non-refundable).

Article 8: The ‘play now’ option is forever banished from the bar scene (I don’t care how much cash you’re willing to spend, butting in line is unkegstitutional).

Article 9: There IS no Article 9.

Article 10: If wing dings are served instead of chicken wings, then the word ‘ding’ had BETTER appear somewhere on the menu description.

Article 11: Televisions detract from the authentic party experience.  No televisions allowed in bars (unless you are a sports bar).

Article 12: Don’t be a sports bar.

Rethinking Traditionalism or Putting the ‘Fun’ Back Into Fundamentalism

We progressives have long ago left behind the old world of our parents and grandparents. Instead of going to church, we meditate. Instead of grace before our dinners, we slap high-fives before pizza and chips in front of the TV.  Instead of courting our next wife, we impregnate drunken clubbies and later have them assassinated by remote control.  

As I’ve matured I’ve realized parts of traditionalism are important to even a hip-minded progressive like myself. In order to keep food in my child’s belly, maybe I should sacrifice my free time for the forty-hour a week job (God no, please). Instead of redefining the status quo of ‘mother’ and ‘father’, maybe we should reexamine and even encourage the unique value of traditional marriage while still respecting the rights and privileges of alternative family units. Maybe we should clarify when exactly an organism with human DNA gains the constitutionally protected right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of lap-dance chicks. “Wait, wait, Doc. Don’t cut the cord just yet. Boy, he sure is an ugly one, eh honey? If we abort this one, perhaps we’ll get a more attractive specimen next time.”  Then again, there’s always the Nebraska Abandonment Plan (NAP). 

Rather than continuing to ‘imagine’ that there’s no country, maybe we should demand that our leaders define and defend clear boundaries.

It is these issues involving abortion, gay rights, immigration, and religion/state that traditional mainstream Americans have turned against progressives. And just like our parents, once in a while these old dumb headed traditionalists make a good point. Progressives like to imagine to a day when “there is no country,” and all individuals would be free to create their lives anyway that they choose. But without good ole’ fashioned traditional discipline, we could very possibly decay into warlord states and rivaled tribal gangs.  I don’t think that was what John Lennon was imagining.

Certainly there are dangers of traditionalism—racism, excessive nationalism, colonialism, Pat Robertson, and black-and-white dogmatism, but if we progressives are really interested in the continued evolution of all consciousness, we can’t ignore the foundational stages of development. For the United States, the residue of ignored traditions lingers in our nation’s shadow and threatens to tear our union apart. Some so-called ‘progressives’ speak as though this would be a good thing. After all, we humans overpopulate the planet and colonially corrupt the rest of the world. Why not just deconstruct all social institutions and let the U.S. collapse. I’m sure a much better world would emerge (like Canada).

There is an alternative. We can soul-search the current issues of the traditionalist—immigration, abortion, traditional family structure under the eyes of constitutional logic. Integrate the core truths of traditionalism under the rational eye of modernism. Envision the possibilities of post-modernism, while we transcend into a logically coherent integral worldview (like Canada).

Gay Marriage Rebutthole

I’m proud to notice how Mick Zano’s writing skills have sharpened with this recent move west; I only wish I could say the same about his reasoning skills.  On the gay marriage issue, Mick makes one valid point, and on that I agree—many people’s rational arguments against gay marriage are a mere mask for their deeper bigoted motivations.  Unfortunately, there are occasions when bigoted assholes make better arguments than Mick Zano.

Mick suggests that these bigots—I suppose the Dali Lama should be included—have banded together to pick on the oppressed minority of homosexuals by denying them their inherent right to marriage.  But this dispute wasn’t started by the bigots; it was started by gay activists themselves, who went through the courts to change the traditional definition of marriage.  They argue that the issue of gay marriage is comparable to allowing bi-racial couples the right to marry.  This is not a civil rights issue and homosexuals have the same right to marriage as I do—we both have the right to marry…a person of the opposite sex.  Neither of us can marry people of the same sex. Government sanctioned marriage by definition exists between one adult man and one adult woman; I’d personally like to marry three different eleven-year old lamas (the Dali Lama not included), but that desire does not conform to the traditional definition of marriage.  I’m not going to turn this into a civil rights issue; I’m going to make my argument to the American people and elect legislators who will change the law so that my romantic aspirations can be realized (watch your life-sized nativity scene animals this Christmas, folks; that’s all I’m saying).

And let’s remember that gay couples already posses the right to marry before their family, friends, some churches, and God. They just don’t have the right to have their marriage recognized by the United States government.  Why is it so important for gay people to have the government recognize their homosexual union in the first place?  Why does the government recognize any marriage at all?  The answer—children.  Marriage has traditionally been the institution that best supports the nurturing and development of the future generations.

I do believe that it’s important for our society to respect alternative family units, and allow these families the equal legal rights that are provided to traditional marriages—including the right to adopt.  Civil unions are the legal bridge that avoids the anger, resentment, and crisis provoked by the ‘gay marriage’ issue.

With civil unions as a viable legal institution, the issue of gay marriage need not be this hotbed of political division, but if activists choose to press the fight by going to the courts, then please don’t blame me, the Dali Lama, or our bigoted mob.

MICHAEL SAVAGE – Fight For Your Rights

Night after night, Michael Savage generates the most entertainment bang for your meaningful discourse buck (now worth 50 cents). He’s your crazy obnoxious free-ranting uncle backed by a scientific PhD and a deep historical understanding of world events. He’s well-versed, well-spoken, principled, and enraged about all the political compromise. In between his political rants, he tells rich stories and intriguing anecdotes. But he is damn controversial: “Their women are ugly.  They cover their faces with veils. Our women are beautiful; we show em’ off in centerfolds.”  He would make a great Danish cartoonist.

Of all the talk-shows, TV, internet, or radio commentary, Michael Savage has most consistently kept my interest (barring Lesbiangladiators.com). “Borders, language and culture,” is his slogan, and the simplicity of his message, and the intensity of his conviction has transcended his character outright. Savage, of course, is not without flaws: his angry reactions sometimes lead to over-dramatization and the mis-assessment of news stories.  He is not beyond resorting to insult, name calling, and hanging-up.  Oh, and he rarely admits a mistake (such as his boycott of Lesbiangladiators.com).

From the perspective of the individual-objective (brain) quadrant, Savage rates high. He is a scientist with an understanding of history and economics. He expresses clear consistent and constitutionally based political opinions. He often has expert guests to speak about the crucial issues of our time. (B)

From the individual/subjective (self) quadrant, Savage performs fairly well. Granted he does not seem to explore any integral or transpersonal thought, but he is not without self-reflection. He often demonstrates deep personal insight and soul-searching. His interpretation of religion is often egocentric and self-serving.  But he is open-minded to exploring many other beliefs and practices (i.e., his weekly Wiccan Cannibal Necrophelia workshops).  He has studied and encourages alternative medicine and is highly critical of the quick-fix feel-good culture of psychiatry and medication.  (B +)

From the objective/plural (society) quadrant, he is often the first to spot and speak of the hypocrisy present on both the left and right. He has many enemies, Islamic organizations, such as C.A.I.R. and left wingers like Media Matters who have orchestrated campaigns to silence his “hate-speech” by petitioning his advertisers. It’s true that Savage could be bettered by an integral section to his library; I’d love to hear him and Ken Wilber debate politics. I hereby call for an integration of the nationalism of Savage with the integralism of Wilber and a Transcendence into the Transnational movement…or Transcosmetic movement as it has come to be called. (B+)

Savage is a maniac on a mission. He is the American embodiment of free speech. You may not agree with what he says, but I strongly advise you to give up your very life for his right to say it, because if his speech is silenced, then you and I are next.  Well…I’m probably next, but then I’m sure they’ll get to you, eventually—is my point.  With his recent controversy, his talk show has been elevated to the level of an epic battle between freedom and tyranny. (A –)

Oh, boohoo. Michael Savage is so mean and insulting—that’s what freedom of speech is all about, asshole. It’s the right to offend people on principle, dick wad. Savage is a recent recipient of the “Freedom of Speech Award,” but he’s not allowed to talk about it publicly.  

Is America heading toward a Fairness Doctrine ensuring that radio speech is a balanced blah between the worthless middle right and the pointless middle left? Even though Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have no viable audience should radio stations be forced to give them equal time with the racist Imus and the hatemonger Savage?  We could give Shari a Law defenders equal time with the redneck American Constitutionalists. Islam can be given the status of an oppressed minority as colonial Christian Teddy Bear teachers and hateful Holland Cartoonists are escorted off to sensitivity camps. Sounds very American—at least how it is currently being redefined. 

This war is a war over ideas, and Michael Savage is now on the front line. Medic!  Medic!  (Overall grade A –)

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

It’s not the particular place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life…or else I could end up in Carl’s at last call (part dive bar, part Clockwork Orange) pinned to something vaguely feminine.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner shall be assessed by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to transform parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The setup should encourage a free flow throughout and amongst all social circles.  We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead naked conga lines.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment must play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. Provide quality goods and services, and expel anything that inhibits this ever-important soul transformation (except my friend Shag).

Spatial limitation can strangle the life out of festivities (that’s m’s job). Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has failed miserably. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.  On that note, drunk tanks should have breakfast specials.

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions and have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. Once, two people sat in stools on either side of me speaking into their cell phones. I think they were talking with each other. Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party.

Take the television for example. It’s not possible to mingle amongst different groups or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. I have two pieces of advice for all bars regarding televisions:

  1. Unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t have televisions.
  2. Don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life (sadly, this is accurate. I really haven’t made many good decisions).  Along with this choice, I have taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years, I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational, leading to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but there is always a cost. Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival. So now, no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given up Mr. Giggles).   No one is perfect.

Objective Blame vs. Qualitative Responsibility: The Blamesylvania Rebuttal

Mick Zano consistently expresses keen political insights. He was the first person I know who publicly opposed the Iraq War.  His bra burning rally during ‘Shock and Awe’ day was…er…uplifting.  He has spotted many of the Bush Administrations corrupt policies and flawed strategeries. However, I am still prepared to demonstrate that Mick’s obsession with the Bush Administration stems from his repressed and sublimated fetish for underage chia pets.

Mick is a man who hits the facts square on the head but misses the point by a planet.  He frames his argument in terms of ‘quantifiable blame.’ “Who is more to blame for America’s collapse?” he asks, “The Bush Administration (Neo Cons) or the Radical Left (Neo Hippies). I frame the argument in terms of ‘qualitative responsibility.’ Who is more responsible for our republic’s destruction—the Neo Cons or the Neo Hippies?  I will hereby refer to Mick’s argument as ‘Perspective m’ and I will refer to my argument as ‘Perspective Pokeysexgodgeniuspoet.’

In terms of blame, Mick rates the Neo Cons a 9 (7 of which can be attributed to the Bush Administration). The Neo Hippies rate a 6 (2 of which can be attributed to a direct reaction against Bush and co.).

From Perspective m the Neo Cons indeed seem culpable for the doom that awaits us, although Pelosi’s Congress is quickly gaining ground. Regardless, from Perspective PokeySexGodGeniusPoet, the Neo Hippies appear more responsible for our country’s demise.

The support for Perspective POKEYSEXGODGENIUSPOET: there are objectively determined levels of human development (archaic, magical thinking, conformity, rationality, pluralism, integration). The higher the level of cognitive development, the greater the depths of depravity and corruption if a pathology forms (aka, have you seen the footage from Mick’s bra burning rally?).  The point being, with the greater perspective comes greater responsibility.  Take, for instance, a 12-year old child with a womb-based developmental disruption.  He is not nearly as dangerous as a pathological mad scientist who believes that humans have metastasized into cancerous warts upon the greater Gaia-Earth vagina. Nor should the developmentally challenged child (I am in no way comparing George Bush to a 12-year old retard, but the wart…) be held to the same level of responsibility as the mad scientist.

I hold the liberal pluralists (Neo Hippies) to a higher standard than the Bush Administration because the Neo Hippies ARE more highly developed than the Neo Cons.

The great danger with the Neo Hippies Gone Mad is their subtle yet relentless attempts to avoid responsibility. (Was Richard Nixon responsible for the Weather Underground’s behavior?) They seek justifications to indulge in their childish urges to ‘do anything that they want,’ including riots, theft, assault, blowing up buildings, and burning undergarments to old Dylan tunes (Tangled up and bra?).

Their excuse boils down to this: in light of the Bush Administration’s Tyranny, what do you expect?

Stick it to the man. Fight the Power. Free Willy!

I would even argue that the Neo Hippies hadn’t gone so feakin’ mad, mainstream Americans would have been comfortable with Al Gore or John Kerry. The reason that Americans didn’t vote for Gore or Kerry was because so many anti-Bush fanatics ranted hateful crazy shit that sounded very similar to Al-Qaeda’s rhetoric. America settled for the lower developed Bush Administration because the higher developed progressives appeared psychotic (Wright), unprincipled (Wrangle), immoral (Sharpton), empty suited (Edwards), or simply UFOish (Kucinich).

I admit that Perspective m presents a factually accurate assessment of our nation’s predicament—I just don’t believe any good comes from asserting Perspective m.  In context of the Neo Hippie’s madness, Perspective m begins to validate their irresponsible and irrational indulgence by blaming it on the Bush Administration. The call for responsibility far outweighs the desire to caste blame.

And if you don’t get it by now, as m asserts, then you have already joined the Farrakhan Freak Show.

I believe that brings this argument to an n.

P.U.B.B. (Poets United for a Better Barroom)

A cultural parasite festers within the taverns and barrooms of America. Machinery grinds at our souls and sucks at our wallets. When the internet jukebox first hit the scene, we were lured by the unlimited access to songs and the improved sound quality.

Of course there would be inherent costs to these cutting edge  ‘improvements’.  We knew up front that we’d be paying more for each selection and still more for the dubious super-search option. And just consider how often these jukeboxes falter to the whims of the internet gods…but don’t worry, it never fails to take your money.

The time has arrived for all citizens, patrons, bar owners, and staff to stand up and demand that this mechanistic monster of malaise be barred for life! I’m calling for a return to the old school jukeboxes. Bring back the CDs, or the Happy Days 45s, or why not give the short-lived 8-track jukebox another whirl? I’m ready to grab some bottles and cans and start clapping my hands. I’m Rick James, bitch.

The bars and taverns are at the heart of our democracy. It is here within the American barroom where constitutional principles first arose. In times of national and international crises, we return to the bars to reestablish the roots of American greatness. Belch. Not only does a Barroom Bill of Rights facilitate justice, it also fosters respect and dignity amongst the clientele and staff. Fart.

All persons, including patrons, owners, employees, and drunks have un-ale-ianable rights to life, festivity and the pursuit of lapdance chicks (what were talking about?). These rights may only be infringed upon if the person’s actions violate the barroom rules that apply to all. It is the behavior, not the person that is to be targeted by bouncers. Therefore it is not appropriate for a person to be expelled from the bar because he is deemed ‘weird’ or ‘a jerk’ or because theperson is simply intoxicated. It is appropriate to ask a person to leave for hitting, inappropriate touch, harassment, profanity, dress code violations, property damage or the over Abbafication of your jukebox selections. Specific behaviors that led to the expulsion must be provided (preferably in song, or, better yet, epic poetry).  Thus, a written explanation will be presented to the ejectee and a copy sent to a mediator (I’ll take a crack at it) to rule on its barroom constitutionality.

The bartender and staff always reserve the right to refuse service of alcohol for any or no reason, unless this refusal of service is based on racial, religious, or sexual discrimination.

All advertised pints must be at least 16 ounces. A pint should always be cheaper per once, than a mug. A pitcher should always be cheaper than a pint. And hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth all jukeboxes, young or old, are required to display the number of unplayed songs that have been selected, or else the bartender must give the customer his money back.

There you have it. And back to the music for a moment. I’m frankly tired of plugging five dollars into the jukebox at midnight to later find it shutoff at 2AM with no ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret…

  • Article 1:Lose the ‘play now’ option? Just because some guy’s got money to burn, doesn’t give him the right to burn me!  The problem’s plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
  • Article 2:The right to bare women
  • Article 3:Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.