Pokey McDooris

Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something.

The Articles Of Degeneration

The letter of the law shall never be permitted to strangle the Spirit of the Law (unless, of course, the spirit and the law agree upon a safe word first).

Article 1: All persons including patrons, barstaff, drunks, and derelicts have the un-ale-ienable right to life, festivity, and the pursuit of lap-dance chicks.

Article 2: The right to bare women.

Article 3: If the keg kicks before the beer is filled, the remaining brew is given to the patron for free. (The kicked pitcher dilemma has yet to be determined by the Fatty Liver Society (FLS).)

Article 4: All pint glasses must hold at least 16 fluid ounces.  Ten ounce pints?  Fuck you!

Article 5: All standard pints must be cheaper, per ounce, than standard mugs, and all pitchers must be cheaper than pints. (Does not apply to happy hour specials.)

Article 6: The bartender or barmaid may refuse alcohol to any patron for any reason…except on the basis of religion, race, gender, or affiliation to the Daily Discord (you know who you are, barkeep!).

Article 7: All jukeboxes must display the number of unselected songs not yet played, or else the staff must refund money paid for un-played songs (Notable exception: all ABBA and Phil Collins songs are non-refundable).

Article 8: The ‘play now’ option is forever banished from the bar scene (I don’t care how much cash you’re willing to spend, butting in line is unkegstitutional).

Article 9: There IS no Article 9.

Article 10: If wing dings are served instead of chicken wings, then the word ‘ding’ had BETTER appear somewhere on the menu description.

Article 11: Televisions detract from the authentic party experience.  No televisions allowed in bars (unless you are a sports bar).

Article 12: Don’t be a sports bar.

Rethinking Traditionalism or Putting the ‘Fun’ Back Into Fundamentalism

We progressives have long ago left behind the old world of our parents and grandparents. Instead of going to church, we meditate. Instead of grace before our dinners, we slap high-fives before pizza and chips in front of the TV.  Instead of courting our next wife, we impregnate drunken clubbies and later have them assassinated by remote control.  

As I’ve matured I’ve realized parts of traditionalism are important to even a hip-minded progressive like myself. In order to keep food in my child’s belly, maybe I should sacrifice my free time for the forty-hour a week job (God no, please). Instead of redefining the status quo of ‘mother’ and ‘father’, maybe we should reexamine and even encourage the unique value of traditional marriage while still respecting the rights and privileges of alternative family units. Maybe we should clarify when exactly an organism with human DNA gains the constitutionally protected right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of lap-dance chicks. “Wait, wait, Doc. Don’t cut the cord just yet. Boy, he sure is an ugly one, eh honey? If we abort this one, perhaps we’ll get a more attractive specimen next time.”  Then again, there’s always the Nebraska Abandonment Plan (NAP). 

Rather than continuing to ‘imagine’ that there’s no country, maybe we should demand that our leaders define and defend clear boundaries.

It is these issues involving abortion, gay rights, immigration, and religion/state that traditional mainstream Americans have turned against progressives. And just like our parents, once in a while these old dumb headed traditionalists make a good point. Progressives like to imagine to a day when “there is no country,” and all individuals would be free to create their lives anyway that they choose. But without good ole’ fashioned traditional discipline, we could very possibly decay into warlord states and rivaled tribal gangs.  I don’t think that was what John Lennon was imagining.

Certainly there are dangers of traditionalism—racism, excessive nationalism, colonialism, Pat Robertson, and black-and-white dogmatism, but if we progressives are really interested in the continued evolution of all consciousness, we can’t ignore the foundational stages of development. For the United States, the residue of ignored traditions lingers in our nation’s shadow and threatens to tear our union apart. Some so-called ‘progressives’ speak as though this would be a good thing. After all, we humans overpopulate the planet and colonially corrupt the rest of the world. Why not just deconstruct all social institutions and let the U.S. collapse. I’m sure a much better world would emerge (like Canada).

There is an alternative. We can soul-search the current issues of the traditionalist—immigration, abortion, traditional family structure under the eyes of constitutional logic. Integrate the core truths of traditionalism under the rational eye of modernism. Envision the possibilities of post-modernism, while we transcend into a logically coherent integral worldview (like Canada).

Gay Marriage Rebutthole

I’m proud to notice how Mick Zano’s writing skills have sharpened with this recent move west; I only wish I could say the same about his reasoning skills.  On the gay marriage issue, Mick makes one valid point, and on that I agree—many people’s rational arguments against gay marriage are a mere mask for their deeper bigoted motivations.  Unfortunately, there are occasions when bigoted assholes make better arguments than Mick Zano.

Mick suggests that these bigots—I suppose the Dali Lama should be included—have banded together to pick on the oppressed minority of homosexuals by denying them their inherent right to marriage.  But this dispute wasn’t started by the bigots; it was started by gay activists themselves, who went through the courts to change the traditional definition of marriage.  They argue that the issue of gay marriage is comparable to allowing bi-racial couples the right to marry.  This is not a civil rights issue and homosexuals have the same right to marriage as I do—we both have the right to marry…a person of the opposite sex.  Neither of us can marry people of the same sex. Government sanctioned marriage by definition exists between one adult man and one adult woman; I’d personally like to marry three different eleven-year old lamas (the Dali Lama not included), but that desire does not conform to the traditional definition of marriage.  I’m not going to turn this into a civil rights issue; I’m going to make my argument to the American people and elect legislators who will change the law so that my romantic aspirations can be realized (watch your life-sized nativity scene animals this Christmas, folks; that’s all I’m saying).

And let’s remember that gay couples already posses the right to marry before their family, friends, some churches, and God. They just don’t have the right to have their marriage recognized by the United States government.  Why is it so important for gay people to have the government recognize their homosexual union in the first place?  Why does the government recognize any marriage at all?  The answer—children.  Marriage has traditionally been the institution that best supports the nurturing and development of the future generations.

I do believe that it’s important for our society to respect alternative family units, and allow these families the equal legal rights that are provided to traditional marriages—including the right to adopt.  Civil unions are the legal bridge that avoids the anger, resentment, and crisis provoked by the ‘gay marriage’ issue.

With civil unions as a viable legal institution, the issue of gay marriage need not be this hotbed of political division, but if activists choose to press the fight by going to the courts, then please don’t blame me, the Dali Lama, or our bigoted mob.

MICHAEL SAVAGE – Fight For Your Rights

Night after night, Michael Savage generates the most entertainment bang for your meaningful discourse buck (now worth 50 cents). He’s your crazy obnoxious free-ranting uncle backed by a scientific PhD and a deep historical understanding of world events. He’s well-versed, well-spoken, principled, and enraged about all the political compromise. In between his political rants, he tells rich stories and intriguing anecdotes. But he is damn controversial: “Their women are ugly.  They cover their faces with veils. Our women are beautiful; we show em’ off in centerfolds.”  He would make a great Danish cartoonist.

Of all the talk-shows, TV, internet, or radio commentary, Michael Savage has most consistently kept my interest (barring Lesbiangladiators.com). “Borders, language and culture,” is his slogan, and the simplicity of his message, and the intensity of his conviction has transcended his character outright. Savage, of course, is not without flaws: his angry reactions sometimes lead to over-dramatization and the mis-assessment of news stories.  He is not beyond resorting to insult, name calling, and hanging-up.  Oh, and he rarely admits a mistake (such as his boycott of Lesbiangladiators.com).

From the perspective of the individual-objective (brain) quadrant, Savage rates high. He is a scientist with an understanding of history and economics. He expresses clear consistent and constitutionally based political opinions. He often has expert guests to speak about the crucial issues of our time. (B)

From the individual/subjective (self) quadrant, Savage performs fairly well. Granted he does not seem to explore any integral or transpersonal thought, but he is not without self-reflection. He often demonstrates deep personal insight and soul-searching. His interpretation of religion is often egocentric and self-serving.  But he is open-minded to exploring many other beliefs and practices (i.e., his weekly Wiccan Cannibal Necrophelia workshops).  He has studied and encourages alternative medicine and is highly critical of the quick-fix feel-good culture of psychiatry and medication.  (B +)

From the objective/plural (society) quadrant, he is often the first to spot and speak of the hypocrisy present on both the left and right. He has many enemies, Islamic organizations, such as C.A.I.R. and left wingers like Media Matters who have orchestrated campaigns to silence his “hate-speech” by petitioning his advertisers. It’s true that Savage could be bettered by an integral section to his library; I’d love to hear him and Ken Wilber debate politics. I hereby call for an integration of the nationalism of Savage with the integralism of Wilber and a Transcendence into the Transnational movement…or Transcosmetic movement as it has come to be called. (B+)

Savage is a maniac on a mission. He is the American embodiment of free speech. You may not agree with what he says, but I strongly advise you to give up your very life for his right to say it, because if his speech is silenced, then you and I are next.  Well…I’m probably next, but then I’m sure they’ll get to you, eventually—is my point.  With his recent controversy, his talk show has been elevated to the level of an epic battle between freedom and tyranny. (A –)

Oh, boohoo. Michael Savage is so mean and insulting—that’s what freedom of speech is all about, asshole. It’s the right to offend people on principle, dick wad. Savage is a recent recipient of the “Freedom of Speech Award,” but he’s not allowed to talk about it publicly.  

Is America heading toward a Fairness Doctrine ensuring that radio speech is a balanced blah between the worthless middle right and the pointless middle left? Even though Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have no viable audience should radio stations be forced to give them equal time with the racist Imus and the hatemonger Savage?  We could give Shari a Law defenders equal time with the redneck American Constitutionalists. Islam can be given the status of an oppressed minority as colonial Christian Teddy Bear teachers and hateful Holland Cartoonists are escorted off to sensitivity camps. Sounds very American—at least how it is currently being redefined. 

This war is a war over ideas, and Michael Savage is now on the front line. Medic!  Medic!  (Overall grade A –)

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

It’s not the particular place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life…or else I could end up in Carl’s at last call (part dive bar, part Clockwork Orange) pinned to something vaguely feminine.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner shall be assessed by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to transform parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The setup should encourage a free flow throughout and amongst all social circles.  We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead naked conga lines.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment must play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. Provide quality goods and services, and expel anything that inhibits this ever-important soul transformation (except my friend Shag).

Spatial limitation can strangle the life out of festivities (that’s m’s job). Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has failed miserably. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.  On that note, drunk tanks should have breakfast specials.

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions and have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. Once, two people sat in stools on either side of me speaking into their cell phones. I think they were talking with each other. Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party.

Take the television for example. It’s not possible to mingle amongst different groups or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. I have two pieces of advice for all bars regarding televisions:

  1. Unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t have televisions.
  2. Don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life (sadly, this is accurate. I really haven’t made many good decisions).  Along with this choice, I have taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years, I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational, leading to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but there is always a cost. Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival. So now, no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given up Mr. Giggles).   No one is perfect.

Objective Blame vs. Qualitative Responsibility: The Blamesylvania Rebuttal

Mick Zano consistently expresses keen political insights. He was the first person I know who publicly opposed the Iraq War.  His bra burning rally during ‘Shock and Awe’ day was…er…uplifting.  He has spotted many of the Bush Administrations corrupt policies and flawed strategeries. However, I am still prepared to demonstrate that Mick’s obsession with the Bush Administration stems from his repressed and sublimated fetish for underage chia pets.

Mick is a man who hits the facts square on the head but misses the point by a planet.  He frames his argument in terms of ‘quantifiable blame.’ “Who is more to blame for America’s collapse?” he asks, “The Bush Administration (Neo Cons) or the Radical Left (Neo Hippies). I frame the argument in terms of ‘qualitative responsibility.’ Who is more responsible for our republic’s destruction—the Neo Cons or the Neo Hippies?  I will hereby refer to Mick’s argument as ‘Perspective m’ and I will refer to my argument as ‘Perspective Pokeysexgodgeniuspoet.’

In terms of blame, Mick rates the Neo Cons a 9 (7 of which can be attributed to the Bush Administration). The Neo Hippies rate a 6 (2 of which can be attributed to a direct reaction against Bush and co.).

From Perspective m the Neo Cons indeed seem culpable for the doom that awaits us, although Pelosi’s Congress is quickly gaining ground. Regardless, from Perspective PokeySexGodGeniusPoet, the Neo Hippies appear more responsible for our country’s demise.

The support for Perspective POKEYSEXGODGENIUSPOET: there are objectively determined levels of human development (archaic, magical thinking, conformity, rationality, pluralism, integration). The higher the level of cognitive development, the greater the depths of depravity and corruption if a pathology forms (aka, have you seen the footage from Mick’s bra burning rally?).  The point being, with the greater perspective comes greater responsibility.  Take, for instance, a 12-year old child with a womb-based developmental disruption.  He is not nearly as dangerous as a pathological mad scientist who believes that humans have metastasized into cancerous warts upon the greater Gaia-Earth vagina. Nor should the developmentally challenged child (I am in no way comparing George Bush to a 12-year old retard, but the wart…) be held to the same level of responsibility as the mad scientist.

I hold the liberal pluralists (Neo Hippies) to a higher standard than the Bush Administration because the Neo Hippies ARE more highly developed than the Neo Cons.

The great danger with the Neo Hippies Gone Mad is their subtle yet relentless attempts to avoid responsibility. (Was Richard Nixon responsible for the Weather Underground’s behavior?) They seek justifications to indulge in their childish urges to ‘do anything that they want,’ including riots, theft, assault, blowing up buildings, and burning undergarments to old Dylan tunes (Tangled up and bra?).

Their excuse boils down to this: in light of the Bush Administration’s Tyranny, what do you expect?

Stick it to the man. Fight the Power. Free Willy!

I would even argue that the Neo Hippies hadn’t gone so feakin’ mad, mainstream Americans would have been comfortable with Al Gore or John Kerry. The reason that Americans didn’t vote for Gore or Kerry was because so many anti-Bush fanatics ranted hateful crazy shit that sounded very similar to Al-Qaeda’s rhetoric. America settled for the lower developed Bush Administration because the higher developed progressives appeared psychotic (Wright), unprincipled (Wrangle), immoral (Sharpton), empty suited (Edwards), or simply UFOish (Kucinich).

I admit that Perspective m presents a factually accurate assessment of our nation’s predicament—I just don’t believe any good comes from asserting Perspective m.  In context of the Neo Hippie’s madness, Perspective m begins to validate their irresponsible and irrational indulgence by blaming it on the Bush Administration. The call for responsibility far outweighs the desire to caste blame.

And if you don’t get it by now, as m asserts, then you have already joined the Farrakhan Freak Show.

I believe that brings this argument to an n.

P.U.B.B. (Poets United for a Better Barroom)

A cultural parasite festers within the taverns and barrooms of America. Machinery grinds at our souls and sucks at our wallets. When the internet jukebox first hit the scene, we were lured by the unlimited access to songs and the improved sound quality.

Of course there would be inherent costs to these cutting edge  ‘improvements’.  We knew up front that we’d be paying more for each selection and still more for the dubious super-search option. And just consider how often these jukeboxes falter to the whims of the internet gods…but don’t worry, it never fails to take your money.

The time has arrived for all citizens, patrons, bar owners, and staff to stand up and demand that this mechanistic monster of malaise be barred for life! I’m calling for a return to the old school jukeboxes. Bring back the CDs, or the Happy Days 45s, or why not give the short-lived 8-track jukebox another whirl? I’m ready to grab some bottles and cans and start clapping my hands. I’m Rick James, bitch.

The bars and taverns are at the heart of our democracy. It is here within the American barroom where constitutional principles first arose. In times of national and international crises, we return to the bars to reestablish the roots of American greatness. Belch. Not only does a Barroom Bill of Rights facilitate justice, it also fosters respect and dignity amongst the clientele and staff. Fart.

All persons, including patrons, owners, employees, and drunks have un-ale-ianable rights to life, festivity and the pursuit of lapdance chicks (what were talking about?). These rights may only be infringed upon if the person’s actions violate the barroom rules that apply to all. It is the behavior, not the person that is to be targeted by bouncers. Therefore it is not appropriate for a person to be expelled from the bar because he is deemed ‘weird’ or ‘a jerk’ or because theperson is simply intoxicated. It is appropriate to ask a person to leave for hitting, inappropriate touch, harassment, profanity, dress code violations, property damage or the over Abbafication of your jukebox selections. Specific behaviors that led to the expulsion must be provided (preferably in song, or, better yet, epic poetry).  Thus, a written explanation will be presented to the ejectee and a copy sent to a mediator (I’ll take a crack at it) to rule on its barroom constitutionality.

The bartender and staff always reserve the right to refuse service of alcohol for any or no reason, unless this refusal of service is based on racial, religious, or sexual discrimination.

All advertised pints must be at least 16 ounces. A pint should always be cheaper per once, than a mug. A pitcher should always be cheaper than a pint. And hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth all jukeboxes, young or old, are required to display the number of unplayed songs that have been selected, or else the bartender must give the customer his money back.

There you have it. And back to the music for a moment. I’m frankly tired of plugging five dollars into the jukebox at midnight to later find it shutoff at 2AM with no ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret…

  • Article 1:Lose the ‘play now’ option? Just because some guy’s got money to burn, doesn’t give him the right to burn me!  The problem’s plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
  • Article 2:The right to bare women
  • Article 3:Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.

Pubs Vs. Clubs: The Case Against a Woman’s Right to Vote

Throughout my journeys, I’ve encountered many candidates for the quintessential pub. I’m talking about those uber-bars with gritty style and spirited atmosphere, witty hip characters, stimulating conversations, and delicious beer. I’ve noticed that these greatest of taverns often experience the one same problem—lack of single women.

I’ve reflected deeply on this phenomenon, very deeply (zip). What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, why don’t single chicks hangout at cool spots? Perhaps these establishments promote an offensive vibe, and that’s the reason for these ladies’ absence? Is it possible that these floozies have been made to feel uncomfortable at these greatest of gin joints? But when I investigated into the sleazy, tacky places where these wenches did frequent…well, I realized that it was just the opposite. For some reason (possibly a deep-seeded inferiority: PDSI) American women tend to hangout at culturally dead and often sexually degrading places. They just love paying cover charges for a disco DJ with pumping primal porno music and a dance floor filled with body rubbing rejects. Wow, I feel rewarded after that stop. The ladies love it. Or how about we hangout at a big stale subdivided lounge with social cliques so tight that you have to pull your cheeks apart to fart.

“Excuse me miss, maybe you’d like to checkout the cool brewpub with yummy beers and free live jamming music next door? Or there’s the stylish pub with great beverages and characters rocking beyond last call. We’ve got a hippy bar with the best jukebox in town and an outdoor beer garden. And don’t forget the casual corner bar…Oh, you’re meeting all of your female friends at the Sugar Shack. Great.

Why do women spend their time and money the way that they do?

The answer hides within the occult history and evolution of the sexes. The phenomenon of sex first emerged outside of a Neolithic nightclub—that they called ‘caves’—as a survival pump for the purpose of propagating the species toward light beer and bad music. This archaic impulse when harnessed through primitive tribal ceremonies—that they called ‘happy hours’—drove our ancestors toward rabid cannibalism and virgin sacrifices—that they called ‘fun.’ At this level of sexual development our urges are powerful, yet brutal. Women in ancient cultures learned that their safety depended on keeping men tangled in endless competition. In order to stay elusive they developed the survival mechanism of social shape-shifting from one identity to another. This ‘identity-shifting’ is etched deep inside women’s psyches. Men refer to this phenomenon as ‘two faced,’ ‘cock tease,’ or ‘lying scumbag bitch whore’ (LSBW).

As tribal communities arose, sexual consciousness focused on issues of survival, protection, childbearing, power, and ladies’ nights. The male warrior became identified as the protector of his female, but the woman was also identified as his possession. From this place of power, traditional kingdoms and chivalrous etiquette refined the blade of law through the social instrument of marriage. The Enlightenment then sparked the romantic expansion beyond individual identity. Personal freedom of expression now blossomed in these beautiful women who were previously mandated to the role of the subordinate. The growing educational and economic opportunities granted women expanding choices to direct her own destiny (stripper, prostitute, or battered housewife). The baby boomer revolution climaxed with uninhibited sexual experimentation (bondage, sadomasochism, or erotic asphyxiation). Now at the integralist’s level, we taste the joy of true liberation and realize that our own attachments (many of them sexually driven) have imprisoned us in our daily delusions. I recommend genital mutilation.

The history of human sexual development must be recognized, integrated, and transcended if we hope to salvage civilization and evolve into higher frequencies of sex, love, and culture. It’s not just our foreign policy that has inspired Islam to wage Holy War against the Big Satan; it’s our cultural complacency and decadence. You ladies have the difficult task of soul-searching beyond your ego’s habit of identity hopping. As you do so, you will realize just how much you invest in cultural pornography.

Yes, pornography.

Pornography is any cultural expression—TV, movie, music, literature, website, theatre, pubs, and clubs—that, by its nature, leads to a dulling, degeneracy, or complacency of those involved….you dirty skanky shit pouch, you. Pornography is any device of entertainment that inhibits people’s natural and healthy growth toward individual and cultural enrichment. Shit pouch!

How can we best bring about this cultural awakening of which I speak?

It’s time that you ladies started making more mature decisions regarding atmosphere, beverage, and music selection. Remember, you hold the power. You’ve just been stuck in a rut for an epoch or two. Please allow me to guide you on a tour of the town’s rising hot spots. Let’s crack this party to life as art waves wailing across the cosmos and then back to my place for the finale (I take my eggs medium, my homefries crispy, my coffee black, and my women in crotchless sheep costumes).

RUSH LIMBAUGH: Step It Up, Bitch

When creating a curriculum to move society toward an integral media, the first contemporary personality that begs to be assessed is Rush Limbaugh.  Rush is one of the most listened too, if not the most listened to media personality in the country.  (‘Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.1) He certainly has a knack for controversy that compels the public to either ‘love’em’ or ‘hate’em,’ which is precisely why I remain so ambivalent.  As life teaches us, there are few who are fully inspired by divine goodness or completely consumed by absolute evil.  Even Dick Cheney strings cute ceremonial necklaces from the skulls of the newborn puppies he devours.  See?  Not all bad.  Anyway, an examination of Rush Limbaugh’s strengths and weaknesses provides excellent insight into the rights and responsibilities of the media.

Let’s first examine Limbaugh’s flaws. He focuses on limited, very pigeonholed subject matter. Whereas he may not qualify as a full-blown White House spokesperson, he does spend an exorbitant amount of time uncovering the liberal agenda and criticizing their irrational ideology and unethical propaganda techniques (U.P.T). He’s very good at examining international tyranny and United Nations corruption, but he rarely brings the Republicans antics under the same scrutiny (not an easy trick in the last eight years).  There were conservative voices, such as Pat Buchanan and George Will, who presented a challenge to the current war in Iraq and a slew of other questionable executive policies. Rush Limbaugh only challenged the radical liberals who were sabotaging our war efforts.  In other words, in the true spirit of partisan hackery, he picks all of his fights with the Murthas, not the Hagels, of the world.

Rush Limbaugh’s perspective is obviously authoritative/entrepreneurial, which is legitimate, but shortsighted.  Despite his shrewd intellect, he shows not an inkling of integral thought. The only paranormal or transrational propositions that Limbaugh doesn’t immediately dismiss as crazy are the beliefs in Jesus’ virgin birth and his subsequent resurrection.  Everything else to him can be translated roughly as: Kuccininch Sees UFOs!

To Limbaugh’s credit, he was one of the first outspoken voices against the dangers of political correctness.  He even defended his politically incorrect adversary, Bill Maher, after Maher’s controversial comments following 9 /11.  Limbaugh does bring consistent bursts of wit to his show, and most importantly, he has successfully irritated Hillary Clinton on a number of occasions.

Here’s how Rush holds up to Ken Wilber’s Four Quadrant model: from the objective/individual (brain) quadrant, Limbaugh rates fairly high. He does seem to respect science, objective facts, individual and constitutional rights, as well as economic libertarianism (grade: B.)

From the subjective/individual (self) quadrant, Limbaugh has some trouble. He still holds to mythical beliefs like ‘Jesus died for humanity’s sins’ and ‘the Republican party is good for America’ and uses these myths to perpetuate ideological agendas. I never recall him expressing interest or respect for a disciplined meditative practice, and his unacknowledged hypocrisy on the issue of his drug use shows a lack of personal awareness (grade: C –.)

The objective/plural (society) quadrant brings even more problems. He does support social, legal, and military structures but refuses to acknowledge shortcomings of these institutions and offers no constructive suggestions for outmoded bureaucracies. He has blindly supported the psychiatric method of clinically diagnosing the insane in order to restrict their rights and get them off the street against their will, yet he cries ‘liberal bleeding hearts’ when a person is deemed not responsible for their actions due to mental illness. Then he wants to cut welfare and social services for the freeloading prescription and otherwise drug dependent individuals—other than himself (grade: D.)

Limbaugh scores surprisingly high in the subjective/plural (culture) quadrant. He is a good sharp-witted debater who makes some strong logical points on meaningful subjects (aka, does Kuccinich see UFOs?).  He recognizes the hierarchy of positions, policy, culture, and government, but he seems unaware of any integral voices.  Perhaps most telling, he rarely gets a topnotch adversary to challenge his positions. Oh yeah, and he’s a belligerent asshole (grade: C.)

In summary: one part man, one part fiction, Rush is a pill-popping contradiction.

(Overall score: C -.)

1“Tom Saywer”, from RUSH’s Moving Pictures, 1981

Enter the Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman

Traditional shamanic practices employ chanting, dancing, sweat lodge and fasting to induce altered states of consciousness.  Long ago, cave dwellers created these rituals to achieve insight and wisdom. With guidance from ‘plant spirits,’ shaman priests discovered roots, vines, cacti, and mushrooms that, when ingested, stimulated the nervous system, allowing access to perceptions of abnormal frequencies of consciousness.

Archeologists all concur that ‘psychedelic visions’ sparked the inspiration for the Paleolithic cave art found throughout the world, and may explain most of the Wal-mart midget sightings.  Many scholars even argue that hallucinogens are the very roots of rational civilization itself.  It’s odd that mainstream science agrees on the importance of hallucinogens in human development, yet these same scientists dismiss the significance of the perceived spirit world. The scientific community reduces these visions into mere random subjective byproducts of an abnormal brain.

The divine world of the gods, demons, angels, fairies, and hedge yetis have long been suppressed by Western Civilization.  On that note, meet the Ghetto Shaman.  He has seen the hedge yetis and has spoken to their king!  Too long has society locked the shadow side screams of schizophrenia behind the materialistic bars of insignificance.  Too long has society left the Ghetto Shaman shaking and quivering in his drunk-tank retreat (after the last Mardis Gras Enlightenment Party bust).

What are these spirit worlds where ancient shamans traveled to find health and wisdom for their people?  Does the shaman’s spirit world wisdom have any relevance today?  Our current medical and psychiatric ‘symptom cures’ leave us empty and unsatisfied, but who has the money for the Amazonian Sacred Healing Vision Quest?  Who has the time to beckon these ‘plant spirits.’

The Ghetto Shaman is closer than you think. He resides under the Market Street bridge (southside).  The Ghetto Shaman’s flesh has been affectionately stripped from his bones by the Thunder Gods and then reassembled during a seven day initiation/barcrawl.  Why do scientists balk at this?  Can I make this stuff any clearer? The Ghetto Shaman uses his own rituals, special substances, and ‘avante guard’ sexual techniques to stimulate the induction of unusual frequencies of consciousness (snorkel not included).

The Ghetto Shaman leads workshops on discovering your sacred parasite, as well as an interdimensional escort service (the inspiration behind the movie, Happy Hooker Goes to Narnia). The Ghetto Shaman’s ‘weekender,’ constitutes two days and two nights in the Raystown boiler room.  Rates vary—survival rates, that is, and for those concerned about last month’s ‘incident,’ the Ghetto Shaman is now CPR certified.  Home visits available—for no extra charge…well, one item from the fridge is the recommended donation and there is always the chance of a Forced Sleep Over (FSO).

Ayauhusca, DMT, peyote, Ibogaine and psilocybin are all illegal and difficult to unearth. No problem. Meet Mr. Nutmeg (spice of the gods), Robutussin, DM (nectar of the odds), and Maddog 20/20 (vine of the sods).  All three are legal to possess and with the right guidance can induce profound changes in the nervous system, accessing ‘abnormal’ frequencies of consciousness (don’t try this at home).

The Ghetto Shaman is also a wizard with the earth’s most life-enhancing foods like lentils, curry powder, cumin, and ginger.  A dash of this and sprinkle of that, add whole nutmeg and slow cook to a saucy paste (seriously, don’t try this at home). Toss it in a tortilla with rice and healthy puddles of Bob’s Big Bad Mamma Jamma Hotsauce ®.  Sell the recipe on-line to Jenny Craig.  Jumpstart the Further bus and get the band back together. It’s the Electric Nutmeg Taco Test. For the even more adventurous, there’s his Electraquilla Mad Dog Mess (for god’s sake, man—don’t do it).