Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

The main premise: all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of parmesan cheese. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to wean off with an 8-ball shaker of parmesan cheese,” said Dr. William Lynn, CEO of Bristol-Myers-Kraft. “If you’re hooked on heroin, now you can snort all the cheese you like on the Feds! No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street value. What a deal for everyone, especially those folks at the Cheesecake Factory.”

Vincent Drake, owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals, was quick to adjust his company’s approach, “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of parmaceuticals.  Our mottos, Just Say Roman-No and Parmesan: the Other White Meth are being well received. We believe such parm reduction models will go a long way to winning the war on drugs.”

Field reporter Cokie McGrath added, “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze onto your pasta and voila’, you’re ready for dinner. Just sneeze for more cheese…I like that.”

Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain of this approach. “Maybe it’s just me, but besides the horrible burning sensation when you snort it, parmesan cheese just isn’t the same at all, man. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks? Otherwise I’m going to knock off a Dominos for their parm shots.”

After Zano, Ballz, and I tried some, Ballz got so sick and moved into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house. Zano just curled up into a ball and started rocking uncontrollably, which is not that dissimilar from most nights. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni first.

Time will tell if this will move our addictive hordes to less dangerous substances.  Critics question whether or not this is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. Is Obama’s plan to retire in Wisconsin just a coincidence? Is there a connection between this initiative and Big Parma? Or is this another insidious plot concocted by the makers of Lipitor?  

The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War

The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
Alex Bone

Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.

The High Priest of Yig had this to say, “Ever since the Migo introduced crawdads into the Lilly Ponds, Yig’s loyal followers have done everything in their power to eradicate this invasive species and also win as many horseshoe games as possible. Now, after six years of struggle and hundreds of man hours, the frogs have begun to return to this beloved paradise. I…” The big Viking of Yig paused and then burst into girlish tears, “I really (gulp) love those frogs, man.”

The crayfish spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad, was less pleased with recent developments. “This is a travesty! Why should ingenious life be handicapped like this? It’s survival of the Crawiest out here. We deserve to eat whatever the hell we please, even if we wipe entire species. This is ‘Merica, damnit! Besides, we promote life too. With frog populations dwindling, mosquitoes and black flies have never been more abundant.” 

There are increasing reports of giant crawdads as well, which has alarmed local rangers. “When a crawdad is taking out some of our sheep, we have problem,” said Ranger Pete. “Though we haven’t exactly confirmed crawdads are responsible, it still makes the most sense. We hired the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team, but they’re theory involves alien Bigfoots…yeah, and that was the part that made sense. I think we wasted good tax payer money employing those hippy assholes.”

Mad scientist and crawdad sympathizer, William Lynn, said, “Do you know how hard it is to dump crawdads into every body of water and stream in a whole state? Importing fish from Louisiana helps, but we mostly use the flying fungi of Yuggoth. First, I have to open a portal to another planet, coax them through with honey, eggnog, glow sticks, and naked pictures of Diane Sawyer. After all that, most of them eat each other before we can deliver them. I’ve ordered one hundred thousand tiny rubber bands to address that problem.”

Saint Poncho had this to say, “All life is sacred, except those damn Palo Verde beetles.” After a ten minute discussion, he was redirected back to the topic of crawdads. “Killing is always wrong, unless it is something you don’t like, such as crawdads, or lawyers, or the Cleveland Browns, or Palestinians. Oh, and did you know that if a crawdad pinches you, you become a zombie? The disease has a very slow onset so most people aren’t even aware this is happening. My studies suggest it’s all part of the couch potato epidemic occurring in our county. In a couple of decades we may lose an entire generation to zombieitis.”

Reports suggest the servants of Yig have a long way to go before the ponds and streams are cleared of this invasive menace.

“We have calculated the beer and ice runs alone could run into the thousands,” said Search Truth Quest Captain, Mick Zano, who preferred to remain anonymous.

Still this is a good day for the frog. The outlook is less grim for the children of Yig. Soon the lands may return to their natural state of beer, babes, Frisbee golf, and huge clouds of marijuana smoke drifting through the pines…oh yeah, and frogs.

Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

“I am announcing today that I have been infected with an Alien Chest-buster,” said Bone. “As you may know, these beings typically gnaw their way through a person’s chest in a matter of hours. I, however, have survived with this one living inside me for over three weeks now!”

He raised a finger, as if to emphasize a point, but then quickly lowered it and raised a bottle of IPA instead. “How have I done this, you ask? How have I succeeded where others have just burst apart by now? (Burp.) It’s simple, it involves eating the right combination of beer and hamburgers. I’ve found that as long as I drink about forty beers a day and eat ten hamburgers an hour, the little guy seems content enough. In fact, I have named him Snookie-wookie.”

He stopped to rub his tummy, slammed down a hamburger in three bites, and then chugged two beers. His eyes then misted over a little. “The rest of you men have no idea what it’s like to feel a life growing inside of you. It is a magical… oh, we have a question. Yes, Zano.”

“Is this why all the communal beer has gone missing this week?”

Bone mumbled something, before saying, “Next question.”

When no one asked him anything, he looked at Ballz and said, “You had a question?”

“No I didn’t.”

“No, I think you did.”

After an awkward pause, Ballz said, “Don’t the aliens grow pretty quickly after they burst out of their victims? Why hasn’t this one just grown through you?”

“A very good question… I have no idea. Maybe it loves its new mommy.”

“And my beer,” added Zano.

After Bone kept his audience from wandering away with a promise of sharing his cheeseburger stash, he said, “So I’m sure all of you are wondering what’s next from here.”

“Were you?” Zano asked Ballz.

“Not really.”

Bone hurried down another hamburger and then chugged an IPA, before he held up a glossy covered book that read An Alien Inside: Skip the Beer and Stand Clear.

“We are going to have a book signing tour!” said Bone. “After the talk show circuit I plan to… Hey, come back, I’m not done yet. Maybe you guys could try to dress up like Aliens when I open my new hamburger chain. Can you guys sing Ragtime Gal, by chance? I’m calling it Buster Burgers and each burger comes with a side of a highly corrosive acid for a dipping sauce. Get it? And you should see what we’re using instead of fries. Guys… guys? Oh, can someone run down to Diablo Burger and the Pay-n-Take? It’s kind of an emergency.

Breaking: Alex Bone has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him

Bike Rider’s Blues: Schwinning!

Alex Bone

Route 66.6, AZ—These days I bike almost everywhere I go and my laptop always comes with me, even if my bicycle tires are pumped full of thorns or the weather’s so bad the mailmen stayed home. I’m talking about the place where my insult-resistant rubber hits the road. I have only lost one laptop during my backpack travels. But please don’t mention “The salad dressing incident”—it still gives me P.T.S.D.D. (Post Traumatic Salad Dressing Disorder).

Another thing that can give you P.T.S.D., the real DSM-V version, is making the morning commute on a bike. The first thing I would like to point out to all combustible engine drivers is that I didn’t live all these years, grind through a world of BS, keep my bike serviced, just to die under your tires this morning. No, this isn’t a slam on your driving—just the opposite. I’d rather deal with a reckless driver that just races by than someone who slows down, but doesn’t stop. Like he thinks I’ve never seen an oncoming car before and wouldn’t know what to do. Yeah, maybe, just at the right moment I’ll decide life isn’t worth living and dash myself under his tires.

Another thing that motorists need to realize is this: when I’m on a bike, everything is a road. If I did what I do on my bike while driving a car I would make the national news…every morning. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line or at least a wavering line…um, and sometimes after happy hour a very wavering line. I ride as the crow flies, after happy hour.

There is another way riding a bike can save you money and that’s at the grocery store. You can’t buy too much food at once if you have to hump it over a hill in a backpack after working all day and commuting ten miles. Should I buy potatoes or whip cream? I don’t need whip cream, but it is soooo much lighter and fluffier. Hmm… And, I know you wanted some prime rib, honey, but rice cakes were on sale again.

As if risking your life is not enough, you can also get flack from the cops. This once happened to me:

“Sir, we heard someone riding a bike was committing crimes.”

“Um, if I call in and say someone driving a car is committing crimes, would you stop every car?”

Everyone wants to avoid that DUI ticket, but think about it, I can’t kill people on my bike no matter how fast I ride and believe me and you’re really safe after a few beers because my speed markedly decreases. So bike riding seems like a safer bet for all involved. I got pulled over the other day and the cop says:

“Sir, I want to give you a sobriety test.”

“Cool, I got a great idea for one. Why don’t I ride a bike, uphill, while carrying all these groceries?”

There is another eternal question that comes up when you are riding. Am I a loser because I’m facing the elements while others are coasting by in style? Or, am I a righteous kick ass winner, because I motivated to wake up twenty minutes early and will be staying in better shape, while helping the environment, and even saving a few bucks?

Now ladies before you answer or sneer at that fella you see bike riding, remember a few simple things. First, that guy is fighting his beer gut during his commute. Perhaps even more important is stamina baby, stamina. Who’s going to be better in the sack? The guy risking his life to pump through the miles or the guy that takes the elevator to the second floor at work? Yeah, I’m talking to you, Zano. Kidding, he usually insists people come down to his office.

So does saving money and the environment all while increasing my health make me cool? Or, are you still pissed to see a biker breaking all the rules that you wish you could? Just remember, if we bikers tick you off, you had better stay in your car. If you mess with us we’ll kick your lazy fat ass and then ride over it—during a sobriety test while carrying our groceries.

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord

Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

Zano immediately went home after a dolphin sprayed his shirt with water, so I interviewed Discord contributor, Tony Ballz.

“I used to work at D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T.,” said Ballz. “It was pretty cool.”

When I told him it was not a record store and asked him to comment on the protest, he looked out the window and said, “Who cares? I can’t understand a thing those *&^$%(    %^$*%^#@ $%#&^%@ are squeaking.”

(Incidentally, Tony managed to say all of Carlin’s 7 things you should never call a dolphin.)

Our CEO, Pierce Winslow, was off ‘recruiting’ Discord writers in Maui so I asked our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, what she thought about Dolphin porn. “I can’t see why everyone around here is so into it, but then again, my colleagues still play with Hot Wheels and eat ice cream for dinner. Oh, and I saw Alex Bone’s New Year’s resolutions and they included killing more crawdads, building a bridge to the moon, and learning how to piss like a fire hose. So nothing surprises me.”

William Lynn was also on hand and had helped organize the event. “You wouldn’t believe the effort it took to transport all of these aquariums here and carving tuna into the shape of Pierce Winslow was no easy feat either. When asked why he was so passionate against dolphin porn he said. “Oh no, I love Dolphin porn. Can’t get enough of the stuff. Actually, I have a subscription to Blow Hole. I just hate the Discord ever since they published that piece about how I was the founder of The White Elders for Twilight fan club, or T.W.I.T.s. And I’m still really pissed about that Harry Potter-jammies post while watching Day of the Dolphins. A shred of decency, that’s all I ask of these clowns.”

I did get one quote from our CEO to wrap this story up, “If anything is damaged in or around our property I’m stringing you looney tunes up! I’ll admit this protest looks worse than the Ukraine thing…well, at least it does from my iPad by the pool.”

Religion Added to DSM-V

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, the authors of the new DSM-V, which provides an overview of the many different types of mental illnesses and soup recipes, have decided to add religious disorders to its Axis-II category.

Psychiatrist David Cardonis said, “Axis-II personality disorders such as anti-social tendencies, histrionics, and Fox Television Viewing (FTV) now have some new siblings. We psychiatrist types feel that fundamental religious thought fits in nicely with the other existing disorders from this category.”

The sub-diagnoses added include:

1. Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD)

2. Rational-denial Syndrome (RDS)

3. Obsessive-Confessional Character Pathology (OCCP)

4. Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (RFP)

5. Crucifixion Dependence (CD)

6. Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (BEF)

7. Post-catechistic Stress Disorder (PCSD)

8. Archangel-typal Personality Disorder (ATPD)

9. Paranormal Personality Disorder (PPD)

10. Major Repressive Disorder (MRD)

11. Genuflexia Nervosa (GN)

12. Orthodoxicosis permanentalis (OP)

13. Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder or RDHD (primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant)

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Dry Cleaning, added, “Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect, as the subjects included only a few nuns and a homeless person, but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for ease of billing,” said Dr. Hogbein.

The religious right was far less sedate. The Revered Mark “Man-Mountain” Conway spat these words in my face and I was later diagnosed with hepatitis. “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that repeat formulas that have failed thousands of times.”

He then repeated that sentence for about an hour before adding:

“We only avoid all evidence that points toward facts out of a primal fear of change. We have evolved beyond the need for facts and we have learned to ignore any data that contradicts our beliefs. Oh, wait, we don’t believe in evolving. Crap.”

Jack Primus was hiding from the cops in my basement and agreed to be interviewed as long as I didn’t dial that last 1.

“I worked as a tech in a psych ward back in the day,” said Primus, “before Vile Darken turned the clients into hopping giant slugs, so I suppose I can diagnose individuals as well as anyone. And although I’d love to break Dr. Cardonis over my knee after he dropped me into that pool filled with flesh eating otters, I have to agree with him on this one. The only humans more nuts than people cursed with Religiosity are those who believe Republicans are good at balancing budgets. Oh, wait, I’m being told they’re the same people…never mind.”

As a result of the recognition of these new disorders, psych wards across the country are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. The state of Arizona immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half.

On the upside, if my in-laws get to uppity at our next holiday meal, I can probably have them committed. I think I’ll go with Rational-denial Syndrome.

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, “All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States.”

When others questioned the move, the president replied, “The only good part of Arizona was Sedona, which ended up completely overrun by New Age extremists. And the rest of the place is just dust and cactus plants. Let those gun totting, ATV driving, crawdad loving red necks be someone else’s problem. One less red state isn’t going to hurt anybody.”

Vice President Joe Biden added, “Arizona has always been more trouble than its worth and it’s so damn hot. You can fry an egg on your forehead and that’s more dangerous than texting while driving. Let those retirees soak up someone else’s dime.

The White House in not talking about how much they sold the state for. But after I cornered an Obama intern, bought her a dozen drinks, and cleaned her apartment, she said the entire state went for three dozen beef and green chili tamales.

College students in the surrounding states are also excited about this change. One young man said “Woo, yeah yeah woo. Drinking age is now only eighteen and I’m still only a few hours from a Rocky Mountain high.”

Proponents of this idea include AZ resident and Tea Bagger, Max Blohotaire, “I admit it won’t change my neighborhood much, but what about my guns? And I sure as hell hope those Mexicans won’t be expecting me to pay any taxes to help with their education. Hating kids is one of the reasons I moved to Arizona in the first place.”

The southwestern branch of The Daily Discord might also be in jeopardy.  “When Winslow needed to save money for his second jet, he forced us to move out here,” explained head writer, Mick Zano. “He also didn’t want us attending the staff Christmas party anymore, after ‘the incident’. He also wanted to keep Alex Bone from always breaking into his house, stealing all his food, and passing out in his bathtub wearing his wife’s clothing.”

“I believe Winslow moved us out here for the cheap rent. He got a sweet deal on a one room shack without air conditioning that overlooks a mining till. Oh, and he also wanted to keep Tony Ballz from chasing after his daughters.”

When I asked my colleague, Mick, how this Mexico thing might impact the Discord, he replied, “Well, we’ll probably have more stories about beans, I suppose.”

Some of the major cities in Arizona are already receiving more Mexican sounding names. Tombstone will now be called “Place where gun happy gringos shoot each other,” and Yuma is now, “It’s way too hot to live in this shithole.” Phoenix is “El Loco Diablo” and Flagstaff will be hence forth known as “What’s this white stuff? I thought Arizona was a desert?” Granted, Flagstaff has a long name but we’ll keep working on a shorter designation.

President Obama added, “This is a pilot project. We hope to sell the rest of the southwest to Mexico, shortly. There’s no more water there anymore anyway. Due to global warming the area can no longer sustain life, so I want to make these sales before these states completely depreciate.”

Tobacco Lobbyists Introduce Spokesman Kenny the Crawdad

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.

Tobacco Lobbyist Paul Maul said, “For too long we’ve suffered from decreased sales as our older consumers are dying off in droves from lung cancer to emphysema to that other bad one. It’s really sad, for our stocks.”

When I pointed out that advertising for children to smoke was made illegal decades ago, Paul blew a thick puff of oily smoke into my face. “We’re talking about Congress here, Bone. A few well-placed brib…er, contributions, and we’re back in the Salem again. After all the free cartons I passed around our Capitol Building, hell, that’s what this government shutdown is about. It’s one big smoke break. I even got cigarette taxes eliminated, go Teabaggers!”

Kenny the Crawdad’s catch phrases are already cropping up in playgrounds everywhere. Mr. Maul shared some of them with me, “Come on kids, smoking is cool! If you don’t smoke you’re gay. Don’t just screw, chew! No smokes, no sex. I love that last one because it’s true. I mean, what are you supposed to do after sex? Talk? Give me break…a smoke break. Besides, talking just leads to arguments.”

Apparently, lobbyists are not stopping there. Kenny has become so popular he is being employed by other companies and lobbyists. Maul shared some of these as well, “Condoms are for queers! You never lose when you’re pounding booze.  Sex is a great way to make new friends and a few extra bucks. Drugs are fun, home work is not! Playing outside is only for poor kids. Animals suck. Littering is cool,” and of course, “Stealing is the new crack.” Maul laughed which triggered a productive coughing fit, “Remember Flo from Progressive? You won’t after Kenny the Crawdad hits the scene.”

When I asked if these new slogans were a tad insensitive, Maul threw a zippo lighter at my face. “What do you want in your community meth or menthol labs!”

I don’t know what that even means, exactly, but the interview ended as I needed to stop the bleeding. Meanwhile, nay sayers are saying “nay” but Kenny’s growing popularity is thwarting any do-gooder mounted backlash (DGMB). But as Kenny would say. “Giving up is fine, kids, as long as you still have a valid medical marijuana card.”

New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

Doctor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “Many people already suffer from Axis-II disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Discord Staffers’ We’re Out Of F-ing Coffee Again Syndrome. But now, thanks to some new disorders, there’s even more shit hitting the psychiatrist’s couch. Now I can make money off the faithful! Ten Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and what is your primary insurance carrier, sir?”

The DSM-V has also added several fundamental sub-diagnoses. These new Mental Illnesses include but are not limited to:

Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD), Rational Denial Syndrome (RDS), Obsessive-confessional Character Pathology (OCCP), Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (OUCH), Crucifixion Dependence, Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (CDBEF), Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder (RDHD), primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant), Post-Catechistic Catatonia (PCC), Archangel-typal Personality Disorder,  Paranormal Parable Personality Disorder (also known colloquially as Burning Bush Batshit Syndrome), Major Repressive Disorder (MRD),  Genuflexia Nervosa (GN), Orthodoxicosis-permanentalis (this last one is only in the ICD-10 as it was snubbed by the DSM folks. Thankfully it will be covered by your medical providers under the Affordable Care Act).

And, finally, Sunday Morning Hyposomnia (SMH). This condition is easily treatable by skipping church, sleeping in, and then watching cartoons.

“Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect (just a few nuns and a homeless person) but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for the ease of billing Insurances!”

—Dr. Sterling Hogbein

The religious right adamantly protested this obvious attempt to marginalize the angry and the wrong.

Pastor Prime of the First Church of Galactica said, “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that simply repeat formulas. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data—” (cut)

As a result of all these new juicy billable disorders, behavioral health providers are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. So the state governments from those square states have immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half. On the upside, if your in-laws get too uppity at our next holiday meal, you can probably have them committed.

Discord Faces Hostile Invertebrate Takeover

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, “Really shouldn’t be much different.”

Earlier today America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Retarded Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.) has purchased a controlling share of Discord stock, making their sinister plan not only possible but inevitable. A.W.C.W.A.R.D.’s spokesperson Kenny the Crawdad was available for comment. “It was surprising how cheap the stocks were going for. We were able to purchase 51% of the Discord stocks for an old dead catfish and half a bag of Cheetos. Now all we need to do is move in, fire those incompetent Discord writers, and start our reign of terror. I’d like to stuff those bastards into their own damn crawdad traps and force them to listen to Justin Beiber’s new hit “Yig is a Scaly Pig.”

The Discord’s Alex Bone said, “They forget that we’ve relocated our base of operations to Arizona where killing crawdads is not only legal but encouraged. Transporting crawdads is also illegal. So if they can’t reach us, they can’t fire us.”

In an unprecedented move, Bone, Zano, and Ballz destroyed all the company phones and computers. “No emails means no pink slip,” explained Zano, who has used such tactics successfully in the past. “No pink slip means another full day of napping, drinking coffee, and then leaving the office around 11.”

I asked Ballz how the Discord would be able to function without computers to produce their articles and he replied, “Bah Meh MEH!” and then stormed off, mumbling like a sailor.

Around noon, I hurried to call Zano back to the office. Against state regulations, hordes of the involved fungi known as the Migo were using the Fort Lowell Observatory as a launching point to send thousands of quivering crawdads toward the Flagstaff Discord Tower in attempt to claim their prize. The police were called, but were forced to stand down.

Captain John Mitchum explained, “You see, it’s against Arizona law to transport live crawdads, but these here crawdads are all dead zombie-like things and, thankfully, still delicious.”

Quickly realizing there is no law against killing undead crawfish, I hurried to crush the small invertebrates into a stagnant mash. It took forever. I was almost late for beer-thirty, but I obliterated the undead invertebrate threat. Did you see Pacific Rim yet? It was kind of like that but we didn’t have any tech and our enemy was small dead crawdads instead of colossal inter-dimensional monsters. Other than that, it was exactly like it.

Meanwhile, we’re trying to syphon all the water out of Discord Tower but the whole place still smells like shit. So we’re all currently camping out in Cokie McGrath’s living room and using her laptop—the one she needs for college papers and posts—to write this update. She’ll be fine. She can start her twenty page term paper, that’s due tomorrow, after we finish these Mother Road ales and look up the new dolphin swimsuit issue in Blow-Hole Magazine.

Hey, Cokie? The growler is empty again, do you mind?