Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Haunted Gettysburg

Mick Zano

The night was moist and clingy like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap. A damp chill hung in the air like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap. OK, I’m out of similes. I got nothing. As fate would have it, there were far too many eateries and drinkeries within walking distance of our hotel to do any justice to the ghosts of Gettysburg. In a spirits vs. spirits grudge-match in my world, the carboxyl group version trumps ectoplasm every time. Some people shake at the sight of spirits; I shake when I don’t get enough of the other kind.

In preparation for our Gettysburg ghost hunt, I asked my wife to pack the Ouija board. We had planned to hold a candlelight vigil—illegally at midnight—in Gettysburg battlefield (and throw in some of that chocolate body frosting for good measure, sweetie). For those appalled by the imagery, remember, this is a spooky article. If you really can’t handle it, just think of my wife.

Armed with the latest paranormal research
equipment, my wife checks out some dudes

As it turns out, we had not packed the Ouija board, but instead packed the kid’s Jumanji game (I can’t make this stuff up, people). Well, at least it wasn’t Monopoly—we own the Pokeman edition, which I am reasonably convinced would be an affront to all spirits lurking in the Gettysburg region. Jumanji is at least a scary movie, so the themed board game could potentially work to our favor. You see? Aside from my incessant negativity, I am the eternal optimist. Now, if I had only brought Pokey’s bongos.

Armed with only an umbrella, a board game, a semi-chewed wad of gum, and some small bits of string, we headed toward the Devil’s Den. Prior to the Civil War massacres, the American Indians had already deemed the place “heap spooky.” It did warm my heart to discover that the gazillion Americans, who had butchered each other there, did so to the back drop of some pretty groovy free-standing boulders. Apparently, a primeval snake, called the devil, inhabited the place while feeding on unsuspecting tourists throughout the eighties.

As we approached that dreaded domain, an exigent fear crept into our souls like an eldritch cloud of necrophagous shadows. Amidst a foul unearthly stretch of hillside, above the ghoulish din of the myriad of Gettysburg ghost tourers, we heard the whirring and flapping of huge membranous wings. A church bell tolled thrice in the distance before an Angus Young rift split the night (Sorry, Hells Bells is my ring tone).

“Ah, yeah Dave, I’m in the battlefield now—covering the story. You’re not coming? And you say ‘m’ abstains? Loser.”

As I hung-up on loser man, a smell beyond putridity escaped from the most unfathomable, ineffable depths of that ancient necropolis.

Note to self: never eat the chili dogs at Ernie’s Texas Lunch.

Just after dusk, we played Jumanji amidst the lichen-covered ruins of that dark and terrible place. The game was never finished…we lost the instructions.

Sadly, our investigation revealed very little. We never returned to Devil’s Den for our late night séance (we ran out of body frosting). Instead, we poked around a place known as the “the grove,” where the battle for East Cemetery Street once raged. Besides, it was closer to the pubs. We did get scared witless upon our return to town—the humidor had already closed and only the Lincoln Diner was still serving food. I did catch one green orb in the upper right hand corner of a picture taken in the basement of the Farnsworth Bed & Breakfast. However, our parabnormal research team is convinced the mysterious anomaly is simply the spirit of Kazoo. You know, when the Flintstones ‘jumped the shark’ by adding a Martian to their prehistoric antics.

All things considered, the most frightening place in and around Gettysburg remains Gettybrew, one of the lousiest brewpubs north or south of the Mason Dixon Line. A year earlier, myself and fellow Discordian Pokey McDooris ventured into this spooky joint and, much to our horror, we accidentally ordered two samplers of the beer (served in wine glasses—monstrous, unfinishibly-large wineglasses—for seven dollars a pop. For the love of god, Montrisoure!) Already fourteen dollars in the hole, we could not muster more than a sip from each of the foamlessly flat brews. Ultimately, negotiations from the headless brewer of creepy hollow broke down, when we less than tactfully explained, in American Indian, how the beer “sucked big wampum.”

Years later I can still taste the phantom foam, those haunted hops, and that narley barley of Getttybrew. I still recall the words of that old gypsy barmaid: “Even beer brewed well by day, can become skunked when the skunk bane grows, and the kegs are exposed to light.” Mwahahahaha.

Thus Spake Zanothustra

Mick Zano

Dear Goomis,

Dilemma?  Mwaah?  I have simply stated ad infinitum that America will not survive eight years of George W. Bush (Me, 2004).  I am not particularly happy about this development, because this is the country where I happen to get drunk a lot.  As to your point about the Bush years being over, they most certainly are not.  I’m stunned that this man is still making decisions (if you can call them that).  He just appointed a man who pissed away more money on this ‘bailout plan’ than, well…than Bush himself did in the seventies.  Let’s be clear, Barak Obama only has about a fifteen percent chance of limping this country along, but in the immortal words of Leslie Neilson, “There’s only about a ten percent chance of that.”

The best case scenario for our county is extraordinarily gloomy, Goomy, but only for those material-minded amongst us.  For the rest of us, this may be an exciting opportunity to live out all those exciting reality television shows.  Lost?  You better believe we are.  World’s dirties jobs?  It’s back to digging your own outhouse. World’s nastiest food guy?  We’re all going on the Renfield diet-plan soon enough.  Oh, and let’s see how long Survivor Man lasts in a Long Island Wal-Mart holding the last bushel of apples. I can’t wait for that one. 

Many tried to protect their assets by voting for the Republicans in 2004.  Some of us made comments to the Wayne Rogers and Ben Steins of the world at that time; I suggested that they use the money to build bunkers (Me, 2004).  Now, a few short years later, we are facing an economic collapse, two endless wars, and a constitutional crisis.   The trick is never to damage the constitution in the first place.  The trick is not to follow Russia or England’s lead into an endless imperialistic nation-building project (solo). The trick is not to squander the credibility that this country took over two-hundred years to develop.  The trick is not to tank a virtually unsinkable economy.  Make no mistake—the damage has been done. There is very little to do now, except stockpile canned goods. The “One” is done before he even gets to bat.  Hope is nice and all, but it won’t pay the bills.  Hope was in 2004.  Captain cardboard might have been able to do something back then.  The times they are a changing, and the really tough choices should have been made long ago. Thomas Friedman continues to be a real leader in this department, and I hope Obama heeds his advice. 

As for your comment about asking them (Al-Qaeda) why they hate us, well…I’m sure they have a host of legitimate reasons and a host of illegitimate ones—which still does not excuse one item on a terrorist organization’s agenda.  This is another example of the FOX News fallacy (FNF).  FOX paints anyone who questions our strategy as an appeaser and pools anyone who questions Bush in with the denialist squad.  Pacifistic appeasers are rampant in the US and they function predominately at a ‘green’ level of consciousness.  I have referred to these folks as the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies people.’  They are the main targets of the FOX News All-stars.  It is noble to be pacifistic but unrealistic when it comes to terrorist organizations.  These liberal pluralists are unfortunately the main justification for the right’s ongoing stupidity.  

The republican agenda has coddled these corporate criminals.  The Dems, not wanting to be outdone, have now thrown their hat into the ring and are predominately responsible for the current sub-prime mortgage crises.  Our President, always ready to up the stupidity ante, has now compounded the problem by doing something about it.  Hooray for George W. Bush, the anti-King Midas, the man who turns everything he touches into shit.

At the last Republican Convention, Duncan Hunter stated “America doesn’t apologies to anyone” (that was embarrassing).  Michael Moore described pre-war Iraq like Disneyland (that was embarrassing).  The problem with most Americans is that they only have a visceral response to one or the other, but not both statements.  That’s the polarization of America under Rove; that’s the closing of the American mind.  You yourself only here one side of the argument and at this point probably always will.  If you are happy with either party at this point, you’re sniffing glue (Me, 2006). The Democrats scare the shit out of me.  Obama’s going to spend?  What money?  Our deficit has reached a point of absurdity.  Someone said that “people choose a party out of ignorance and stay with that party out of pride.”  Never has that statement been more true than today.

I supported the war in Afghanistan, but watched stunned as our army pinned Bin Laden up in the hills of Tora Bora almost to the moment Bush systematically diverted 70 million dollars (without congressional approval) toward the invasion of Iraq (the first of many impeachable offenses).  I knew then that this was a turning point for the United States of America.  Iraq needed to be sanctioned, watched, and maybe even invaded, but not amidst the pleas for patience by inspectors like Hans Blix.   I protested ‘Shock and Awe’ day along with three other people.  We were beeped at, jeered at, and flipped-off by our hometown ‘patriots.’   I was made to feel un-American by the likes of Sean Hannity, a man who championed the long string of White House policies that have crippled our country.  Sean has essentially been wrong about everything with the sole exception that ‘there are bad people out there, who mean to harm us.’  Very astute, dip shit.  You know when I figured that out, Sean? 9-fucking-11. The difference between you and I is that I’ve figured out a lot of other things since then. 

Of course, all of the blame doesn’t go to the Bushter; this is a systemic problem, but his catastrophic leadership during a critical juncture in our country’s history has dealt a major blow to our credibility and our future.  He is the symbol of everything that is wrong with our country.  Here comes Incurious George donning his emperor’s new clothes as he water boards his way to world freedom. 

What hurt Al-Qaeda most since the onset of the ‘war on terror’ was the election of one Barak Hussein Obama.  This did not cripple the top leadership of Al-Qaeda but it will help with the soft war, and it could hinder Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit.  In other words, they will have less people available to fly in the planes that crash into our buildings. 

FACT:  Every NIE report states Al-Qaeda is alive and well and many have reported that the organization has strengthened since 9-11.

FACT: Having two-story billboard pics of Abu Ghraib atrocities (sanctioned by the Bushies) in downtown Tehran has been a tremendous recruitment tool for those who mean us harm.

FACT: Instead of winning one war in Afghanistan, we are losing two wars.  Iraq is an endless, billion dollars a week, stalemate at best.

FACT: We are heading toward bankruptcy.  The American way of life is a  crumbling house of cards.

FACT: To gain intelligence you gain trust.  Every intelligence agency in the last two centuries knows this, so donning your ‘I’d Rather Be Wateboarding’ t-shirt only shows the world that you’re functioning at a staggeringly low level of consciousness.

Much to the chagrin of the Hannity’s of the world, stating these facts does not place me into the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies’ club. They are simply painful facts about the last eight years under our country’s gross mismanagement.

For the last decade my fellow Discordians have been discussing a series of events that, sadly, have all come to pass.  Here’s what we’re talking about now:

NEXT FACT: Capitalism became super capitalism became super (imaginary) capitalism.  

NEXT FACT: Now we are discussing the less pleasant aspects of a societal collapse…things like food and water shortages. 

NEXT FACT: We have re-watched every Road Warrior movie, without popcorn, to prepare for the inevitable.

You’re prediction, Goomis, that the economy will turn around in a few months, is a continuation of the FOX delusion.  Time to pull those plugs from your head and climb out of the tub any time, Keanu.  You stated in your rebuttal that the last time you checked this was a democracy.  Last time I checked, we had war criminals in the White House—individuals far above the rule of law.  Like it or not our government is a joke and we have slipped quietly into banana-republic-land (BRL).  You are right about one thing; it is time to look to the future…a future that will be very different than the “FOX News All Stars” are predicting.  And, yes, they will call it the Obama Depression, because they are assholes.

But I’ll tell you what, I’ll try to make this my last rant on Bush (operative word, try).  And how about I save your socialist comments for the next rebuttal?  I need to buy some more pancake mix for my latest venture, the ‘Hot Cakes for Hezbollah’ program.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

Mawiage, Mawiage, that Dweam Within a Dweam

Mick Zano

I live in one of the three hundred cities that protested the November 15th passing of Proposition 8.  I witnessed hundreds of people spouting spiritual slogans about ‘loving others’ and caring for their ‘life partners’, awful hate-mongering ideas.  Bright rainbowy colors bounced off an army of poster board like flowery daggers of doom.  Cruising by, I felt anger well-up in the pit of my stomach for these caring thoughtful protestors.  Where were the smoke bombs, the riot gear, or the people being bodily dragged into paddywagons?  Are these people puftas or something?

The juxtaposition of world events was somehow apropos.  Bush met on this same day with world leaders to say, “Yeah, like, we suck.  I suck.  Everyone I ever appointed sucks.  Yeah…Paulson pretty much sucks too.”  Bush went on to say that the bumps you feel are car-sized asteroids smashing into the hull.  Also, we’re heading right for the sun and can’t seem to change course.”  To address the scores of world leaders shouting, “What aren’t you telling us?”  He added, “We’re almost out of coffee.”  (Don’t you miss the Zucker brothers?)

Could you imagine the mayhem that would have ensued if kernels of truth actually emerged at this summit? Maybe truth isn’t always the right option.  Such a speech would dance dangerously close to something called ‘accountability,’ and we certainly can’t have any of that.  So let’s just blame Germany.  Anyway, it’s nice to know that almost to the very day that our economy collapsed around our feet, we still had the time, funds, and vitriol to fuck with some of our friends and neighbors—makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Let’s look at marriage…that dweam within a dweam.  Your church can choose to recognize any union or you personally can choose to recognize any union.  As for legal issues, please leave your bias in the pews.  This is supposed to be a time of healing.  Why get out the salt and lemon juice now?  A lot of money was raised—even amidst the Wall Street woes—to take away existing rights. 

What drove people to do this?  The world of compassionate conservatism is a farce, people.  My dad said it best, “Lately Republicans only care about you if you’re unborn, frozen, or brain dead.”  Please start to rethink your views, people, because, frankly, they suck.

In 2004, shortly before the last election, I was at a party in central Pennsylvania, then my home.  Standing in someone’s kitchen around a keg (which is a law in PA by the way), the topic naturally drifted to the upcoming election.  The man leading the conversation was not going to support Senator Kerry, because of his views on gay marriage.  Knowing, even then, that four more years of this president would end our superpower status, I had to leave.  Speaking my peace while maintaining my composure seemed unlikely.  Besides, the keg had kicked.   Why does this issue resonate with people?  Why is it so important to straight people to affirm their straightness?

I am socially liberal, but fiscally conservative.  Let me explain why this somewhat unusual combo may be the needed second-tier approach to politics.  The government can’t, nor shouldn’t, fix millions of people’s laziness and/or stupidity.  Ideally, we should focus on supporting the truly needy and help the temporarily downtrodden get back on their feet.  This is the point where we should draw the line.  This approach is both worth the money and is our moral obligation as humans.  To do more, however, actually breeds a welfare state and exacerbates a host of physical and emotional problems known as Dem-entia.  Frankly, it is not realistic even under the best of circumstances to throw money around to the perpetually undeserving.  It is a trap that Obama must avoid.  People will endlessly milk the system as they slip into lower and lower levels of consciousness.  Twenty years of social service work has taught me one thing…don’t work in the field of social services. 

Furthermore, being socially liberal means everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and, in a nut shell, even if I don’t agree with you, I’m going to leave you the hell alone (particularly if it doesn’t affect me).  People are not stopping gay marriage because they think certain couples shouldn’t share the same legal rights and privileges as other straight couples; most of these people are having a visceral response.  They are acting against gayness—it’s bigotry, nothing more, nothing less.  Allowing gay marriage does not have to shatter your worldview.  It is the nice thing to do, and it is the right thing to do.  Legislating morality, if that’s what this is, is a fool’s errand, which is why so many of our less progressive pastors (LPPs) are so busy lately (well, maybe they’ll lay off the children).  

Here is my version of the political perspective score card.  There is something to be said for libertarianism.  Our ability to progress unhindered at each level and at each stage of our personal growth is a fundamental right.  AKA, piss off.  I might even vote libertarian, if I can ever stop laughing at their choice of candidate.  There is also something to be said for liberalism, namely, other people are people too.  They have a point of view that may differ from yours but that does not make them scary, nor does it necessarily make them enemies.  Old school conservatism has fiscal conservatism and small government in its corner.  For the life of me, however, I can not think of one thing social conservatism has going for it—unless you are hip on driving this country into a third-world status.  I can’t stomach even a sip from this punch.  It is supposedly based on the importance of nurturing and maintaining someone’s idea of core American values.  This argument is essentially meaningless.  What they fail to understand is that everyone shares those values—anyone who matters, anyway.  Only they are trying to silence all dissenting views and claiming a monopoly on these so called values.

Ken Wilber asserts that we must transcend and include—that progress to higher stages is hinged on incorporating and preserving that which is fundamental and true.  The definition of marriage does not necessarily fall under this jurisdiction.  This is one core truth that needs filed or flushed.  Rigidity in this matter is part of the problem, not the solution.  Some will argue that we will lose our way; that whites will be the minority; that our numbers are dwindling, and homosexuals unions will only exacerbate this while shaking the foundations of the traditional family.  Have you wandered around lately?  Any loving parents should be hired, immediately.  They are endangered, whether the child is raised by gays, straights, or wolves.

I don’t think enraging an entire faction of our society is going to win any hearts and minds, or sway anyone to your Leave it to Beaver sympathies.  It’s not going to save your version of America.  Mutual respect is what we should be embracing.  Respect is transformational—not some definition of an ‘appropriate’ union.  If we’re going to rally around something, let’s try respect for change.  Respect is the endangered species here, right Rodney?

The bottom line is this: the backlash against religion by progressives is warranted.  The dismantling of proposition 8 is further proof of a disconnect—not a return to our roots—but a gap in reasoning the size of the Grand Canyon.  I don’t see any Osmond Christmas Specials over on Walton’s Mountain in my neighborhood.  This is the wrong battle at the wrong time.  Stopping people from marrying who they want is not going to move this world any closer to your fantasy-ass Rockwell painting.  Social conservatives deserve the wrath of Maher and Hitchens.  Unless your goal is to destroy all credibility for the spiritual-minded individuals of this world, it is time to sit the hell down, put the five-spot into the basket, and pray for some common sense. 

A Brief History of Anything

Mick Zano

How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column?   OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column?  After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes).  Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight.  I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now.  But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem.  Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara.  In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.

What could I impart in one column? What must be included in my own very brief history of anything?  It has been said that the more we learn, the less we know, and I think I’m finally there. I know nothing.  Nothing.  Nada.  Nichts.  But, for the sake of argument, let’s review what I do know.  I know all of the Brady’s, some of the Partridges, and I can guess any Star Trek episode within the first five minutes.  OK, I used to be able to do that, but then I met girls.  They of course rejected me, so now I’ve cut that time down to thirty seconds.  As for dating, I have only one kernel of wisdom: never show them any of your Star Trek video collection! Ever! I’ve been married for ten years and those tapes are still locked in boxes marked Old Tax Returns.

On history, I have this to say. It is most certainly NOT bunk!  Not remotely bunkesque or even bunk-like for that matter.  Deem it bunk, world leaders, and you may end up in a bunker with his-and-hers cyanide capsules. As my seventh grade history teacher use to say, “Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.”  She also warned me of this in the eighth and ninth grades respectively (I never studied).  Case in point: Che Guevara played for the Dodgers, didn’t he? Even if curious George is suddenly interested in American history—ironically the very man bringing America face-to-face with it. I also believe there may be more to myth than meets the eye. It is becoming apparent that there is meaning in myth, more meaning than a once rationalist-minded-type would dare admit.

Here are a few key points regarding the last forty-thousand years of human development:

Music: The members of the band Led Zeppelin are the archetypal rock gods, not the Stones.  So please Prince whatsas, Knight Sir. Robert and Sir Jimmy, pronto, and break out those shoes with the little bells for Sir. Mick.

Sports: I hate to quote Barry Melrose on this one, but, “Other sports are for people who can’t play hockey.”  It’s the only sport worth playing or watching. If you don’t agree, you are either way too into sports, or, more likely, you can’t play hockey.

Movies: Really suck lately.

Parenting: Sell all of your children for scientific experiments.  I’m kidding, of course.  Just sell the ones you don’t like.

Media: Has really tanked in recent years.  They should all be ashamed of themselves.  Except Giraldo.  He’s a god among men.

Politics: (see Media)

God: (see Giraldo)

Excuse me while I climb onto my soap box for a moment.  Remember Erikson’s stages of development?  Well, I don’t, but the fact remains, genuine growth is impossible for anyone who regularly watches American Idol.  Most people these days can’t seem to find anything productive to do. Some people even resort to starting pseudo-journalistic/editorial blog/websites thingies.  Fools!  Evolve or dissolve.  This is the information age, so access some.  Downloading porn doesn’t count.  And you had better get started. It takes a lot of work to discover that you don’t know anything.  Nothingness has been very rewarding for me—in its own empty, vacuous, someone-please-kill-me, kind of way.

Finally, personal growth is almost non-existent in the masses. It’s no coincidence that in the realms of awareness entire swaths of our society are loping off like heads at an Al-Qaeda press conference.  Why are we all on meds, you ask?  Might it have something to do with the air, the water, the drugs, the beer, the high fructose corn syrup, the apathy, the fear mongering, and the central point of the Universe where all of this happiness percolates known as the recliner?

Long term fulfillment is not likely to have anything to do with sex, food, drugs, or video games (the fab four in my neighborhood).  These ‘hobbies’ may serve us well into our mid-twenties, but then it it’s time to turn the page (even if it’s sticky), put down the chips (even if they’re Doritos), and join a wellness class (even if it’s Midget Reiki with our own Ghetto Shaman).

However you do it, get wellness soon. I think that’s a rap.  Don’t get me started on rap…

Spiral Dynamics and American Politics

Mick Zano

I do not write this column as a proud defeatocrat, as an anti-American conspiracy theorist, or even as a terminal glass-half-emptier…I’m just calling it as I sees’ it, folks.  The next president will have one hell of a time turning the ship around: we, as a country, have hit the iceberg and are taking on water.  America is at that point in The Poseidon Adventure at which we can follow either Red Buttons’ character to the stern of the ship or Gene Hackman’s to the bow.  You might be asking yourself, ‘Weren’t the folks who followed Gene Hackman rescued at the end?’  You’re not getting it…I’m casting America in the role of Shelley Winters.

Frankly, I’m amazed things have held together this long.  I’m stunned by how much stupidity ensued before our S.S. Economy listed to port. We should be proud of an economy like this—virtually unsinkable, it was.  So unsinkable, in fact, that it almost made it through eight years of Supremes mismanagement.   Stop! In the name of love, before you break my bank.  Not only has the sub-prime mortgage crises shaken us to our core, but our problems are magnified by those untold zillions pumped into Bush’s unnecessary debacle.  I’m talking about the Bush Library, of course.  How many translations of My Pet Goat does the world really need, anyway?  No, you can’t hurry jokes; no, you’ll just have to wait.

It’s easy to play the blame game after the fact, so let me break down current events instead.  Beck and Cowan’s Spiral Dynamic model begins with the ‘Red’ perspective: tribalism, wherein children shoot up our schools and terrorists fly planes into our buildings.  Really, what do you expect from people stuck on tribalism?  They’ve got issues.  The best way to deal with these folks is to meet them on a level playing field, then use artillery to level that playing field some more.  This is about the only credit I will (possibly ever) give the Bush administration.  Something did need to be done…just not any of the things we actually went and did.

Our government, namely the Bush Administration, functions at a predominately ‘Orange-Blue’ level, although it seems downright ‘red’ at times.  How is it possible to lose a PR war with a bunch of baby-strapping, suicide-bombing zealots, you ask?  For starters, you can’t win the war of ideas if you don’t have any of your own.  When your brain is attached to a political strategist named Karl, who wanders off halfway through your administration, well, trouble may be afoot.  

This ‘Blue’ level includes good old fashioned fundamentalism.  Fundamentalism supports important aspects of human development, but it’s also Bin laden with Laden’s and is fraught with Haggerts and Swaggerts.  This subject is covered in Dr. Sterling Hogbein’s riveting masterpiece, Falwell to Alms, which has yet to find a suitable publisher (and needs to be translated from his early crayon period).

‘Orange’ level is McCain Country, the Straight Talk Depress, entrepreneurs, rationalists, and a host of postmodern yumminess, lightly dusted with coconuts.  I operated from ‘Orange’ most of my life, and it was good clean fun.

Green (liberalism) is arguably a higher perspective, but they’re not ripe yet, so I wouldn’t do anything rash like vote for one.  ‘Green’ is Al Gore country, and his brand of environmental pluralism is not without merit.  Leave ‘Green’ unchecked, however, and you get fanatical efforts to save the Paraguay Paramecium, Meat is Murder homicide squads, and Operation Bake Brownies for Al-Qaeda.  In defense of folks like Gore, it isn’t easy being ‘Green.’ Surprisingly, Kermit functions on an integral level and thinks Gore is an asshole.

No matter who wins this election, we, as a nation, will have a higher-operating captain.  It may be wishful thinking, but I’m still hoping that Barack Obama is at least a ‘Yellow’ or ‘Turquoise’ level thinker (post modernist, second-tier), possibly the best colors since Bush Senior yukked on that Japanese Prime Minister, way back yen.

Even McCain’s ‘Orange’ would have been welcome over Bush’s ‘Orange-Blue.’  Some feared this political dice roll, but I’ll take my chances with a world-centric, fiercely intelligent, post modernist every time.  Staying the course is not an option.  In fact, there was never a course to stay.  They made it up as they went along—and badly at that.  It was like watching the last season of the X-Files on DMT.  Never do that by the way.  Shrooms and Robot Chicken is the only way to go.

I do implore the American people to put a priority on fixing this country, so that, if nothing else, Lou Dobbs will shut the fuck up! But he’s right, of course: we’ve given up on educating our children; we are losing the war on drugs, as well as the war on terror, and we have less actual freedom now than a gay Taliban priestess in Damascus.  (That is not a reference to the band by the same name, by the way…I love them.) It’s like Sheryl Crow always says: “Stop calling me, you fucking sicko.”  Wait, I mean the other thing she says: “A change will do you good.”  This change may be arriving a wee bit late, however, so in the immortal words of Edward R. Olbermann, “good night, and good luck.”

Congressman Paul Broun: I Call You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!

Mick Zano

Integral minded people do not stoop to segments entitled, ‘Worst Person in the World,’ nor do they deem others ‘Enemies of the Week,’ and they certainly do not put people ‘on notice’ for any of their political beliefs. We shouldn’t even ‘wag our finger’ at anyone unless, in doing so, it is hoped to guide them back onto the path toward enlightened self-realization.  Instead of these crass attacks upon people’s character, we are going to start our own column: ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!’  This week, on our first second-tier inspired mission of ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag,’ we focus on nudging Georgia Rep. Paul Broun toward something people at the edge of the Republican cocoon are referring to as ‘reality.’  Think of it like Sarah Palin staring at those distant Russian shores through her 600 dollar Oakley sunglasses.  Vague shapes are appearing on those far away conservative beachheads all around America.  Congressman, some of your brethren are wrestling with their souls and the future of Republicanism.  You can join the pity party any time.

In a report to the Associated Press recently, Rep. Broun stated that he was worried about the Obama Administration pursuing Gestapo-like tactics to enforce a ‘radical Marxism.’  So much for an Obama honeymoon period.  The guy hasn’t even written his manifesto yet, and you’re judging him?

Let me splain.  No, that will take too long. Let me sum up.  Having Gestapo-like tactics for any cause is the problem. When you give up on the systems of checks and balances that has sustained our democracy…well, let’s backup for a moment by pulling forward.  Obama is probably not going to pursue radical Marxism, although Duck Soup was a classic in any circle.  The problem is, and has always been, your guy.  Bush dismantled two hundred years of the delicate balance of power, so now Obama has the ability to do the very things you fear.  You were not crying when one of your guys trashed the constitution, because he would only use this power to get the bad guys.But now you are beginning to see the possible ramifications of your short-sighted anti-Americanism.   Yes, dismantling the forefather’s vision of our democracy is anti-American.  If the founding fathers ever met Sean Hannity in a dark alley, a blanket party would no doubt ensue.  You can bet that they would be sticking more than a feather in his cap.

Let’s use a fictional analogy.  Remember when Frodo wielded the Ring of Power back in middle-Earth?  He started out as an innocent, but the absolute power of the ring corrupted him by the third movie. And I think Samwise Gamgee did things to him while he slept (that’s just a theory).  OK, bad example, but disturbing none the less.

You missed the main point, congressman, and not just of that tangential Tolkien analogy.  You missed this point when it was actually important.  You know, when you could have spoken out and hindered our president’s grasp toward absolute power.  Where were you when Bush released his goblins into Rohan from the spires of Isengard?  If it’s going to be socialism now, so be it.  When you find yourself in a banana republic, make with the splits.  Don’t forget, congressman, Canada has beer and hockey.   Perhaps in practice of this new distribution of power, you should donate half of your annual salary to charities.  You know, for practice.  If Obama does turn out to be a monster, remember, you created him.  You forged the ‘one ring’ in the fires of Mt. Doom (aka, Atlanta).  Republicans—those true blooded slices of ‘real’ America—are the doctor Frankensteins of our time. Whatever the future holds, the reparation check is on your hands.  Whatever ill-conceived super agenda is pushed by any and all future presidents—in any and all ideological directions—you bear some of the blame.  You get what you deserve.  Didn’t you read my article on Bush, Fascism, and the other ‘N’ Word?   The article is based on actual, real life—happening right now—fascist moments in America, which you, sir, supported.  The fear of nefarious evil ideologies that may creep up from the liberal bowels of bureaucracy really pales in comparison to what has already been done to our country.  You have fallen for what has come to be known as the pre-Poke fallacy.  For that I am calling you out to a Zell Miller style duel!  Meet me outside of Roosevelt Middle School at 3:15PM (after shop class).   I’m going to open up a jar of integral whoop-ass on your sorry civicsless brain pan, congressman.  Then we can price some condos in Alberta.

Al-Qaeda: Mission Accomplished

Mick Zano

After this last eight years, it is time to assess our Global War on Terror.  Reflecting on events, the first thing that sprung to mind is Mission Accomplished.  Unfortunately, this is not in reference to the efforts of the United States of America.  In 2001 Osama Bin Laden voiced his main objectives—loud and clear for those listening—or at least that’s what they told me at that Afghani ‘training camp.’

Bin Laden knew that he could not take on the world’s superpower directly or militarily, but, if he could pull off something big, maybe he could trick the U.S. into a pattern of reckless and ultimately self-destructive decisions.  He wanted the U.S., as he put it way back when, to become “a shadow of itself.”  (There is currently a green line under itself on my view screen, so Bin Laden is apparently without the aid of grammar check. I am sending this information along to the CIA post haste.)  Anyway, stripping down the Bill of Rights, bypassing the Constitution, replacing our freedom with fear, and invading the wrong country because we couldn’t find the real perpetrators of 9/11 is, well, exactly what Al-Qaeda had in mind.  Bin Laden said, “Yeah, uh, Iraq is the global front on terrorism (snicker, snicker), oh, and invest everything in AIG (snicker, snicker).  Our nation’s treasure is depleted and our claim of world ‘super power’ is greatly diminished.  As a nation, we have not only screwed the pooch, but we’ve wandered into a kennel on Viagra totting a bucket of KY.

The Taliban is resurging in Afghanistan and every NIE report since 9/11 claims that Al-Qaeda is alive, well, and is even strengthening.  Why didn’t Obama mention that in the debates?  Doesn’t he know, or has he reasoned—and probably rightly so—that the truth is no longer relevant in our society?  Just look good, keep a level head, and take one from the Republican play book; if you repeat something often enough, it must be true.  On that note: Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Please pass this message on to ten of your closest friends. By this logic, I will have the Andre chilling and the Motel 7 light on for you (sorry, Jessica, I couldn’t afford motel 8).

My colleague, Pokey McDooris, is most alarmed by our society’s liberal pluralist, who, functioning at a higher level of consciousness should have the insight to start acting like adults and clean up this mess.  Whereas I agree with this, I am more stunned with the bubble of non-reality surrounding the base of the Republican Party. It’s public record why Al-Qaeda attacked the US, yet Rudy Giuliani, ‘America’s Mayor’—the man with that gleam in his eye on 9/11—never bothered to find out why these zealots were angry or what they hoped to accomplish with such acts of terrorism.  If you want to do service to the people who died in your city, Mr. Giuliani, read something other than librettos.  When Ron Paul pointed out the reality of why Bin Laden attacked us, ‘the base’ jeered him. The base meanwhile cheered Giuliani’s continued ignorance of the subject.  Let’s make something very clear—because that is what this faction of our society demands—understanding does not mean appeasement.  Learning something about our enemies is not a weakness, and, yes, actually winning the war of ideas and, ultimately, the War on Terror is going to take shrewder minds than the likes of Rush W. Hannity.

The disturbing fact remains that the base of the Republican Party can not adjust or correct course under any and all circumstances.  Although, in Pokey and Oscar’s defense, I have seen a similar reaction on the left (i.e., questioning Obama = racism). The closing of the American Mind under Rove’s direction seems almost complete. The Republican Party, however, has brought the concept of denial to levels unrealized since Pee Wee Herman’s dream of a new unsupervised playhouse.  Now, the catastrophic decisions by Bush and co. are swept away by the success of ‘the surge,’ which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.

After pointing out Bush’s abysmal approval rating to someone the other day, this was her answer, “Why do we have such polls?  It makes us look stupid in the eyes of the world.”

So, let me get this straight; it’s not the policies and the fact that we really have acted like a developmentally disabled super power lately, it’s the polls—you know, the democracy part of our democracy—that’s the problem?  Yes, this person is a member of the ‘Republican Base.’  I sure can’t think of any better way to stand for democracy than by dismantling it outright.  We shouldn’t really question our leaders when we’re in an endless war against an abstract ideology.  We should systematically dismantle our checks and balance, trust ‘them’ to do the right thing, and just bend over (why can’t I find dates like that?).  We should all walk in goose-step fashion toward a bigger and better version of freedom—a version that oddly lacks, well, freedom.

Freedom and patriotism are being redefined by the fascists at FOX News.  Who are they to call me anti-American for being a little more perceptive on most subjects?  Our recent actions are precisely what Bin Laden had in mind.  He is, after all, far shrewder than his main adversary—of course, so is his camel.

These days I don’t think it’s his priority to hit us again.  Why should Al Qaeda bother?  As long as we continue to feed the global jihad with Abu Graib moments, keep Gitmo’s tainted torture open, and continue to destroy our economy and the rule of law, I think we’re safe.  Joe Biden said he believes that Obama will be tested in the first six months of office.  Maybe he meant that Obama is a threat because he symbolizes an American resurgence.  Until he’s in office we are safe—from everything except ourselves.

In summary, here is where the neo-cons have brought us:  “America doesn’t apologize to anyone. Ah, sorry Mr. Hu Jintao.  No, we can’t make our minimum balance this month.  Yes, Yes, Mr. Hu Jintao, I have Paulson on it.  Please, can you at least wave our annual fee?  Yes, the check is in the mail, Mr.Hu Jintao.  Yes, Yes, very good, Mr. President.  Of course, sir, I won’t forget the bucket of KY.”

If left in charge the neo-cons would never change tactics on this War on Terror.  They would dismantle this country piece by piece until there was nothing left.  But, since I think Sarah Palin has a great set of knockers, I backed McCain Palin in 08’, or at least the knocker portion of the ticket.

Much Discord in Blamesylvania

Mick Zano

The debate in question is an on-going one, waged over the past six years, between myself and fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris.  Here and now I hope to land the knock-out punch.  Recently our rants have shifted to the societal collapse lurking at the edge of the collective psyche—a phenomenon I call the Scheisstgeist.  Our late night debates typically include our wasteland warrior mission statement (which is still in progress).  We also wonder, as integral warlord hopefuls, whether or not owning sex slaves will impede our chances for enlightenment.  Most importantly, we contemplate the logistics of brewing beer from bread and gobs of our own spittle.  In other words, we both agree America is in trouble, but we fundamentally disagree on how we, as a nation, got here.

Pokey, champions Ken Wilber’s Boomeritis theory, which, in a nut shell, blames liberal pluralism. Common worldcentric thinking is a relatively high level of human development, but, according to Wilber, a nefarious shadow-side lurks within this world view.  These potentially unhinged liberals—or green meanies as our own anthropologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein calls them—are not willing to repair the current system, but are working diligently toward its’ demise.  They are not interested in including and transcending, so much as starting from scratch.  What they tend to ignore are all those pesky transition periods, wherein people from historically lower perspectives ultimately force them to toil rigorously in the field by day and toil rigorously in the sack by night.  Some of the folks keeping this shadow side of pluralism in check are: FOX News, AM radio, and Senior Discord Analyst Pokey McDooris.

Look no further than Europe to see how a policy of appeasement is working out.  These wonderful cultures are being absorbed by immigrants unwilling to assimilate (IUAs).  Here in the US, extreme political correctness (EPC) is spawning a type of ‘nice police,’ which actually endangers our freedom of speech.  From this perspective, appropriate non-offensive language is often deemed more important than the truth.  ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ (even if you are off of the boat, off of your meds, and, by all accounts, off of your rocker).  In counseling, this is often called enabling.  Sometimes it’s healthier to say, ‘I’m OK, but I’m really not so sure about you, suck wad.’ Suck wad is a clinical designation found in the DSM-IV (Homeboy Edition).

How can easygoing progressive thinking impact our first amendment rights?  Just ask Don Imus or Michael Savage.  Even Barak Obama called Don Imus’ rants ‘hateful speech’ but was far more lenient when his own pastor’s antics surfaced (until it cost him too many votes).

An anti-American movement certainly thrived within this country pre 9/11, so in this respect I agree with my colleague.  The recent Reverend Wright controversy opened a scab of one such problem festering within our society (other than my friend Shag).  For some, change means giving up their well cultivated hatred.  I agree that there are many people looking for reasons to tear down our systems, however, there is another side to this story—my side. I feel that the last seven years have been much more damaging to this country than any underground, nebulous threat from the—not in any remote position of power—green meanies.

I’m afraid a recap is necessary.  It has been all but proven that torture has been given the green light at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib by the Bush Administration.  By all accounts this development has been the greatest blow to the soft war, or what has been termed ‘the war of ideas.’   Executive power has been greatly expanded, including signing statements and a host of enhanced executive privilege (EEP) that protects the Bushies from any and all accountability. Habeas corpus, which successfully bypasses the rest of the Bill of Rights, has thankfully been zapped with a defibrillator.  But add two wars bleeding us dry, one of which is a superfluous invasion poorly managed, warrant-less wire tapping, a compromised justice department, a failing economy, out of control corporate greed, treasoness subcontracting during war time (breath), out of control oil prices, ignoring climate change, and a plummeting approval rating around the world…and you’ve most certainly lost sight of the original point of this sentence.  Shake, chill, and serve with a side order of freedom fries, and wa la, you have a collapsing super power.

Back to my colleagues’ argument: what has been the greatest force behind this home grown anti-Americanism?  You guessed it, the Bush Administration.  Bush has brought anti-Americanism into the mainstream.  He has legitimized the fringe elements of our society and has galvanized these hodge-podges of marginalized pockets into a solid movement.  He has done this at home and abroad.  He has done this as effectively in Newark as he has in Islamabad.  He is the recruitment tool for the Bin Ladens and the Farrakahns. In fact, there is even an anti-government movement within the Republican Party itself!  They’re called the Paulites, and they demand zany things like freedom and small government.  They are even talking about moving into their own gated communities, in a sense, seceding from the union. And remember kids, just having any hostile feeling toward this government is enough to get you on the Gitmo express.  Under American law, these libertarians—a branch of the Republican Party—might end up behind gates all right, but not the ones they think.

Now you can safely add every libertarian-minded individual to the Farrakhan freak show.  You can then add all of the progressives disturbed by Bush’s brand of fundamentalism to the freak show.   Add every educated person who understands the dangers of the Bushies brand of group think, all or none thinking, and a host of other cognitive distortions to the freak show.  Add everyone sick of having their patriotism questioned by the likes of Sean Hannity—a man who has endlessly cheered the crippling policies pushed by this administration—to the freak show.  Add real conservatives and everyone else who is for small government and fiscal responsibility to the freak show.  Shake, chill, and serve with a side order of freedom fries, and wa la, you have stoked and legitimized real anti-American sediment around the country and the world.

If you would like to keep score—somewhat subjectively I’m afraid—let’s put the danger from the neocon’s secrecy and incompetence at about a 9 right now (7 points of which can be attributed to Bush and Co.).  I give the ‘nice police’ and this seething anti-Americanism, which culminates in the fear of a collapse from within, as being about a 6 (2 points of which can be attributed to a reaction to Bush and Co.).  Even if the collapse does ultimately come from within our society, no matter how you do the math, far more damage has been done by the neocons.  Combined, Bush has negatively impacted these categories by nearly two thirds!  Another few years of this madness and, guess what, you can add me to the freak show.

Today’s Worst Liberal in the World

Mick Zano

Next up on our integral media roundup is none other than MSNBC’s falling star, Keith Olbermann. Two years ago, he would have fared much better.  To his credit, he exposed the Bush administration’s incompetence in painstakingly accurate detail.  Others in the media treaded lightly while W was treading on We the People.  Olbermann was one of the few who took notice and subsequently barked the loudest.  Some of his “special comments” were awe-inspiring.  He had true Edward R. Murrow moments (ERMM), and even his borrowed sign-off did not tarnish the core truth of his attacks.  He expressed what I felt, while the rest of the media was still tentative, cowardly, wrong, or licking Rupert Murdoch’s cock.

Olbermann exposed Bush’s signing statements, Gestapo tactics, false info leading up to the war, secret prisons, torture, indefinite suspension of habeas corpus, and other scandals too numerous to list without the combined efforts of Hal, Skynet, and Deep Thought (HSDT).  But our good friend Olbermann got a little carried away during his end-zone dance.  In fact, he carried the ball clear up into the stands, down the escalators, and out into the parking lot. Cheered by tailgating masses, he continued across the street and through a Laundromat before spiking the pigskin into a municipal dump.

Unfortunately for Olbermann, crusaders tend to grab that pendulum and swing it hard–right past sanity and clear up to the other Hannity.  Olbermann went from sports commentator, to political commentator, to journalist, back to commentator, and finally came to rest in the bin marked “partisan hack.”  During a recent talk between FOX executive Roger Ailes and Barack Obama, Ailes cited Olbermann as “kind of what Hannity is on the right.”  When the right uses you as an example to justify Sean Hannity, it’s “game over,” dude.  You, Keith Olbermann, have become today’s Worst Liberal in the World.

Let’s take a look at our friend Olbermann from the perspective of the integral movement, shall we?  In the subjective/individual (self) quadrant of Ken Wilber’s four-quadrant model–an area featuring a dash of Colbert’s subjective “truthiness” — Olbermann has trouble.  He does believe in his cause and expertly exposes this administration’s transgressions, but he has surrounded himself with “yes” men.  I do applaud his ability to consistently rail against “the man.”  He is the Hawkeye Pierce to Bill O’Reilly’s Frank Burns (who, we all know, eats worms).  You can’t help but cheer on his attacks against the Neidermeyers of the world. (Grade: B–)

In the objective/individual (brain) quadrant, the S.S. Olbermann starts listing to port.  Over the last few years, his TV show has totally eliminated any and all dissent—employing similar tactics to those he criticizes.  He has “jumped the shark” by ignoring the “surge” and by omitting any fact, story, or feature that does not back his investigative commentary turned ideology.  The last eight years have been horrible for America, but this does not excuse his orchestrated ignorance of objectivity (OIO…four dead in OIO).  In the end, these tactics only serve to water down the discourse.  I’m sorry, Keith, but that’s my job.

The “surge” does not absolve all wrongdoing, but it deserves some coverage. It’s the first good news from Iraq in a very long time…at least, since my own charges were dropped in Haditha.  Granted, the progress is tenuous, yet still promising, like when that judge lifted my PFA.  (It’s going to be different this time, honey. Honest.)  In summary, Olbermann focuses only on objective facts from the liberal perspective.  If the surge were to work and if Iraq did somehow morph into a viable friendly democracy, his head would probably explode like an IED. (Grade: C)

Olbermann scores very poorly in the objective/plural (society) quadrant. Any war, just or otherwise, would probably be bludgeoned in the same way by his pacifistic scrutiny.  He has shown little support for the troops, unless in doing so it embarrasses the administration.  There was a time he sought justice; now, caught up in the bloodlust, he has lost his moral compass (like me in Haditha). (Grade: C–)

The subjective/plural (culture) quadrant brings similar problems for Olbermann.  There is a culture war occurring, and ignoring it isn’t working too well in Europe.  You must temper your anger with judgment, young Padawan.  Remember what Yoda said: “Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to FOX.” (Grade: C+)

I think Keith dropped an entire letter grade in about two years. In 2006, he was at his peak.  He was truly brilliant back then.  But, oh, how the mighty have fallen.

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” (Final grade: C)

Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word

Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

Let’s go back in history.  When Adolf Hitler was 19, he traveled to Vienna to enroll in a prestigious art school, but he was denied admission.  This is reason enough to accept anyone to any art school regardless of talent, money, or tendency to sculpt headless puppies.  I only mention this because, well, how would history have changed if Hitler had been admitted into that art school?  We might have avoided so much senseless tragedy—like his frivolous avant-garde stencil period, which many found to be ‘tripe,’ and ‘ghastly.’  In contrast, Bush never went to art school, but he did snort coke with a guy named Art at school.   Apparently, Julio was in rehab.

During Hitler’s rise to power, he began quelling any and all dissent by declaring people who opposed his views as “enemies of the state,” probably starting with his art critics.  FOX News’ Sean Hannity (White House propagandist extraordinaire) has also referred to his political foes as “enemies of the state” during his hit show Hannity’s America.  He was forced to change the title to “enemies of the week” upon receiving a memo from the Vice President with only the words, “Subtlety, dumbkopf!” Hannity’s show is must-see TV.  No really.  You have to watch it…now.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Hitler hijacked the judiciary, the radio, and the press in short order.   But, the Bush Administration only revamped the Justice Department to include ‘more agreeable sorts,’ ignored the legislative branch with signing statements, and only really owns FOX News, AM radio, and parts of Katie Couric.  So there is still plenty of opposition from cable news, several Jewish comedians, and certain disreputable e-zines like the Daily Discord.

We really need to do something about those Jewish comedians.

In Mein Kampf—which I believe can be roughly translated by non-German speaking comedic journalists as ‘my puppy’—Hitler was actually quoted as saying, “The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”  This is precisely why I voted for Al Edwards in 2003…if only he hadn’t been waterboarded by those fraudulent Korean Vet bastards!

“In consequence of these facts,” Hitler continues, “all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.” The Bush administration’s behaviors bear little resemblance to such crass tactics.  Reminding people constantly that we are ‘fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here,’ and, ‘read my lips, she was over 18 officer,’ is just sound politics.

Hitler goes on to say: “And only after the simplest ideas are repeated thousands of times will the masses finally remember them.” Even Hitler could not have foreseen just how much repetition it would take for things to sink into the skull and bones of one George W. Bush.  But did Hitler foresee such future events?  It might explain his ‘No Fuhrer Left Behind’ program, passed in 1932.  I’m sure it is just a coincidence that over 60% of the US still believes Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that a clear link exists between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  As it turns out, if you topple Iraq’s government, Al-Qaeda flows in over the border.  See the connection?  And they called Bush mad…

In 1933 it is suspected that Hitler arranged the bombing of the Reichstag, which was apparently some German embassy, or possibly a jelly donut.  Ich bin ein Reichstagger!  The would-be Fuhrer dubbed this fiery incident as an act of terrorism, and immediately started playing Scherenschnitte with the German constitution (Today’s bonus word, kids, is Scherenschnitte: a cool paper-art craft thingie).  After the incident, Hitler indefinitely suspended Habeas Corpus, which he felt was a “silly word anyway,” and believed it should “not only be suspended, but should not be allowed back on school property” (rough translation).

Bush did nothing of the sort after 9-11.  Well, he did do all of that, but only to keep us safe (on the bright side, look at the cool snowflakes he made from the Bill of Rights).  There are many who feel 9-11 was an inside job, but Bush couldn’t orchestrate a Comedy Central roast of Paul Wolfowitz, let alone pull off anything this big.  So give it a rest.  What was his plan?  Hey, I’ll pretend to be reading a book to children while the towers fall, heh, heh, heh.  Let’s face it, reading is just not a plausible alibi for incurious George.

After the Reichstag bombing, Hitler circled the wagons, became incredibly secretive, and started a new department called Homeland Security.  Although, I admit this seems vaguely reminiscent of recent events in America, just look at the German version: Vaterland Sicherheit.  See?  Granted it means Homeland Security, but in Bush’s defense, the German version bears little resemblance.

With that pesky Habeas Corpus out of the way, Hitler created some secret prisons and expanded the Secret Police’s standard interrogation techniques, Versch ärfte Vernehmung, to include stress positions, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding. Oh, wait, they didn’t officially include waterboarding, as that would clearly be torture and they could get themselves into a real international pressure-cooker if they admitted to that.   The Gestapo really dodged an electrode to the nad on that one.

Another key component to the Nazi’s success was the religious right.  Hitler used religious leaders to spread his peace, love, and fascism throughout Deutschland.  The entire Discord research division could not draw a single parallel to what’s happening today.  That could never happen here!  Unless we started some type of Club with, say, 700 of our closest friends.  What should we call this club? Hmmm.

Hitler, as you recall, was a big fan of Nietzsche, and Bush’s favorite philosopher is, of course, Jesus.  Nietzsche believed God is dead, Jesus equals God, and therefore Bush is God, right?  This is called the Sowhatic Method.  I’m being told to end this now…They are insisting.  One more voice silenced in Hannity’s America.  Sadly, most of the stuff in this article is accurate, except the part about the girl being 18 years of age, that schweinhund!